Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: 5 big mistakes I make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.

One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.

When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make — as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes — I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:

1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.

I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.

2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.

3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.

4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” — that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.

First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.”

I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping. It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.

5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that’s really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.

I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?

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  • Firstly, what a wonderful post.
    I am currently going through a divorce and so I guess the mistakes I made in my marriage were fatal.
    Interestingly, the five points you raise above were all instrumental in the collapse of my 15-year marriage. We loved each other dearly but try as we might, we were unable to find the fixes you speak about.
    I just wanted to say that despite being heart broken over the end of my marriage, I am happy that I now understand what it takes to bring a marriage down. I understand that this post is not just a post to pay lip service too. I know these five things can destroy a seemingly loving marriage.
    Understanding how critical these things are means that my new relationship has a better chance for success.
    Thanks for sharing

  • Alex

    my wife did almost the same thing.
    i’m not saying that i’m right all the time.
    i know i made and will make a few mistakes. i’m a human after all.
    even sometimes i apologize more than enough.
    i know i have to change myself to be better for myself, for her, for us.
    and i’m trying and doing so.
    what i want to do is i want her to think back and recall herself. because we both made mistakes.
    how can i help her to think like you think so in a way, she’ll change for the better as I want to change myself.

  • Manjula

    What a great piece.

    I have a wonderful husband who is always understanding and loves me. We are married for 10 years now. We have two lovely kids. Because of my stupid behavior I always make him feel bad. I constantly nag him for the things he doesn’t want to be nagged for.

    He had an affair for a couple of years which I came to know about. Now he is totally out of it…he does not talk to that lady and says that it happened because we lacked so many things in our relationship. We agree that we need to fix them. He is a fun loving guy. Only thing he demands now a days or always is to be happy. He says when I am happy it makes his day. But stupid me..I always go to him with the same complaints about the affair we have discussed thousand of times. I also had an affair before marriage for a few months that I had not told him about. He hardly get obsessed about it or asks me anything. But when I am mad, he reminds me that you have been a lair all along. I feel guilty for that.

    Last night, I made him mad again. I want everything to be alright. Why is it so hard for me to forget the bad things and move on with all the good things that are around us..or the good things that I can create for us. Probably, married people take each other too much for granted…Life is not just a black and white has shades and we should be able to appreciate them. I love my hubby..hope I learn these five sutras of happy married life.

  • Patty Koguek

    Great perspective with practical suggestions. Thanks