Tag Archives: Flannery O’Connor

Secret of Adulthood: Accept Ourselves, and Expect More From Ourselves

Of everything that I’ve considered and concluded about happiness and good habits, I think this phrase sums it up best.

We must strive to know ourselves, and accept the truth about ourselves, but at the same time, try to do the best we can.

As Flannery O’Connor put it, “Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better.” (Letter, December 9, 1961, quoted in The Habit of Being.)

Agree, disagree?

Of All the Posts I’ve Ever Written, This Is One of My Favorites.

Assay: Lately I’ve been doing some research on Thomas Merton (long story), and that got me thinking about Flannery O’Connor, and that got me thinking about a post that I wrote several years ago. Of all the posts I’ve ever written, this post is one of my favorites.

So I’ve decided to post it again:

Years ago, my husband and I fixed up a very close friend with another friend. They fell in love, it was great. But within a few years, he got sick. She stood by him through it all. Then he died. It was awful. And it was very, very hard on our friend.

It was a sad situation for many reasons. As the years passed, one thing continued to bother me: I felt we had put a beloved friend in the path to sorrow. It had been inadvertent and well-intentioned, but still, we had brought all this pain into our good friend’s life.

I mentioned this to my husband, and he said something that completely changed my thinking. He said, “Yes, it was very hard on her. But think how much better it was for him.”

This thought, obvious as it is, had never occurred to me. I realized – how often I make this error. I was acting as though my friend were the main character of this story! That she was the one who really mattered. And I saw that I make this mistake all the time. I’m the most main character of course, and then the people close to me, and so on…with some people just appearing as extras or in walk-on roles.

But that’s not true. Everyone is a main character. And everyone is a minor character. And as I started thinking about this, I realized that many of my favorite happiness passages concerned exactly this shift: someone re-interpreting a situation, by understanding how different circumstance would seem if someone else were placed in the starring role.

Each has haunted me, but only now do I see what theme links them together.

*

Reading Flannery O’Connor’s letters in The Habit of Being led me to the extraordinary book, A Memoir of Mary Ann, a memoir about a little girl, Mary Ann, who lived with a gruesome tumor on her face before dying of cancer, written by the nuns with whom she lived for several years in a free cancer-treatment home.

Near the end of Mary Ann’s life, a five-month-old baby, Stephanie, was brought to the cancer home. Stephanie’s parents were crushed at the thought of leaving their baby there.

The nuns relate that for years, Mary Ann had longed for a baby to take care of. When Stephanie arrived, she said shyly to the baby’s mother, “I didn’t pray for a baby to be sick, but I prayed that if a baby was sick, it would come here.”

Later, the mother wrote the nuns, “I had accepted the hurt [my child’s affliction] brought me, but I had not accepted the fact that I had to give her up. My husband was suffering too and my attitude…was not helping much. Mary Ann’s words opened my understanding. Stephanie was needed…this child [Mary Ann] with the bandaged face and a heart full of love needed her…God had given me a good husband, six beautiful children. This last child was probably the most special of them all, destined for something I knew nothing about.”

*

In Viktor Frankl’s masterpiece, Man’s Search for Meaning, he relates a story from his psychiatric practice, when an elderly man, distraught with grief over the death of his wife two years before, came to him.

Frankl asked, “What would have happened…if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?”

The man answered, “Oh, for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!”

Frankl responded, “You see…such a suffering has been spared to her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering—to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.”

The man left the office, comforted. Frankl observed, “In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.”

*

Here’s an example from children’s literature. In Rick Riordan’s novel, The Sea of Monsters, the hero of the story, thirteen-year-old Percy Jackson (who happens to be the son of the sea god Poseidon and a mortal woman), has taken Tyson, a huge, awkward boy who seems to be learning-disabled, with a misshapen face, under his wing. They go to high school together, but Percy isn’t exactly sure why he’s bothering to protect Tyson and drag him along on his Olympian adventures.

He keeps Tyson with him, though, and at the end of the book, Percy learns that Tyson is his half-brother: Tyson is also a son of Poseidon, and he’s a Cyclops, which is why his face looks wrong (he only has one eye).

Tyson says to Percy, “Poseidon did take care for me after all…I prayed to Daddy for help…He sent me a brother.”

Ah! we see. Percy thought that Tyson was tagging along with him, but in fact, he was a supporting character in Tyson’s adventure.

*

How about you? Have you ever had a moment when you realized that you could shift your understanding of a situation, by re-thinking who was at its center?

Story: What Some Folks Would Do (From Flannery O’Connor).

This week’s video story: “Well, them stories just gone and shown you how some folks would do.”

 

This is the quotation I’m talking about, from Flannery O’Connor’s essay “Writing Short Stories,” in Mystery and Manners:

I lent some stories to a country lady who lives down the road from me, and when she returned them, she said, “Well, them stories just gone and shown you how some folks would do,” and I thought to myself that that was right; when you write stories, you have to be content to start exactly there—showing how some specific folks will do, will do in spite of everything.

I’ve tried to explain why this passage has such power for me, but I’m not confident that I actually understand why these lines have haunted me for so long.

Do you have a quotation that sticks with you? That runs through your head, over and over?

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Story: It’s a Sign of Maturity Not To Be Scandalized.

For the weekly videos, I now tell a story. I’ve realized that for me, and I think for many people, a story is what holds my attention and makes a point most powerfully.

This week’s story: It’s a sign of maturity not to be scandalized.

 

Here’s the complete quotation from Flannery O’Connor:

“From 15 to 18 is an age at which one is very sensitive to the sins of others, as I know from recollections of myself. At that age you don’t look for what is hidden. It is a sign of maturity not to be scandalized and to try to find explanations in charity.”

–Letter of August 19, 1959

I love the work of Flannery O’Connor. Her fiction is so mind-blowing that I can hardly bear to read it, and I also love her non-fiction. I ‘ve read that collection of letters, The Habit of Being, three times. And here’s my latest Flannery O’Connor quote, from an interview she gave: “I’m interested in the old Adam. He just talks southern because I do.”

I wouldn’t describe it the same way, but that’s what I’m interested, too. The old Adam.

Can’t see the video? Click here. If you want to read more about along these lines, check out this post.

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“Them Stories Just Gone and Shown You How Some Folks Would Do.”

“I lent some stories to a country lady who lives down the road from me, and when she returned them, she said, “Well, them stories just gone and shown you how some folks would do,” and I thought to myself that that was right; when you write stories, you have to be content to start exactly there—showing how some specific folks will do, will do in spite of everything.”

–Flannery O’Connor, “Writing Short Stories,” in Mystery and Manners

I’m not sure why I love this quotation so much, but I think about it all the time. Perhaps it’s because in my own writing, I’m always trying to understand what I’m seeing right in front of me–what some folks (including me) will do, will do in spite of everything.