13 Suggestions for Keeping Your New Year’s Resolutions.

It took me a long time to realize that what I thought of as “resolutions” could almost always be characterized as “habits.” Most often, when people want to make some kind of change in the New Year, they want to master some kind of habit. (If you want to know the Essential Seven of habits, look here.)

Since I started working on my habits for my book on habit change, Better Than Before, and since my resolutions-based happiness project, I’ve hit on many strategies to help myself stick to resolutions.

Here are just a few:

1. Be specific. Don’t resolve to “Make more friends” or “Strengthen friendships”; that’s too vague. To make more friends as part of my happiness project, I have several very concrete resolutions like: “Start a group,” “Remember birthdays,” “Say hello,” “Make plans,” “Show up,” and “No gossip.”

2. Write it down.

3. Review your resolution constantly. If your resolution is buzzing through your head, it’s easier to stick to it. I review my Resolutions Chart every night.

4. Hold yourself accountable. Tell other people about your resolution, join or form a like-minded group, score yourself on a chart (my method) — whatever works for you to make yourself feel accountable for success and failure.

5. Think big. Maybe you need a big change, a big adventure – a trip to a foreign place, a break-up, a move, a new job. Let yourself imagine anything, and plan from there.

6. Think small. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that only radical change can make a difference. Just keeping your fridge cleared out could give you a real boost. Look close to home for ways to improve and grow.

7. Ask for help. Why is this so hard? But every time I ask for help, I’m amazed at how much easier my task becomes.

If you have an especially tough time keeping resolutions, if you have a pattern of making and breaking them, try these strategies:

8. Consider making only pleasant resolutions. We can make our lives happier in many ways. If you’ve been trying the boot-camp approach with no success, try resolving to “Go to more movies,” “Entertain more often,” or whatever resolutions you’d find fun to keep. Often, having more fun in our lives makes it easier to do tough things. Seeing more movies might make it easier to keep going to the gym. Remember, we must have treats!

9. Consider giving up a resolution. If you keep making and breaking a resolution, consider whether you should relinquish it entirely. Put your energy toward changes that are both realistic and helpful. Don’t let an unfulfilled resolution to lose twenty pounds or to overhaul your overgrown yard block you from making other, smaller resolutions that might give you a big happiness boost.

10. Consider keeping your resolution every day. Weirdly, it’s often easier to do something every day (exercise, post to a blog, deal with the mail, do laundry) than every few days.

11. Set a deadline.

12. Don’t give up if something interferes with your deadline.

13. “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” Thank you, Voltaire.  If you break your resolution today, try again tomorrow.  Although some people assume that strong feelings of guilt or shame act as safeguards to help people stick to good habits, the opposite is true. People who feel less guilt and who show compassion toward themselves in the face of failure are better able to regain self-control, while people who feel deeply guilty and full of self-blame struggle more.

What else? What are some strategies you’ve discovered, to help you stick to your New Year’s resolutions?

If you want more information along these lines, pre-order Better Than Before. The entire book is about mastering habits and keeping resolutions. Guess what? It’s easier than you think–if you do it right.

Do You Make New Year’s Resolutions? What Your Answer Reveals

I’ve been thinking a lot about New Year’s resolutions for the past few days — and I’ve been thinking about my “Four Tendencies” framework for the past few years.

And I’ve noticed certain patterns about what members of the different Tendencies say about New Year’s resolutions.

This pattern isn’t clear enough to be a dispositive test of a person’s Tendency, but it is interesting to note how often people of the same Tendency say similar things.

To re-cap about my Four Tendencies framework: For my book about habits, Better Than Before, I propose the “Four Tendencies,” which describe how people tend to respond to expectations (warning, this sounds a bit dry, but stay with me, it’s very interesting):

–outer expectations (a deadline, a “request” from a sweetheart) and

–inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, keep a New Year’s resolution).

Your response to expectations may sound obscure, but it turns out to be very, very important.

In a nutshell:

  • Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations (I’m an Upholder, 100%)
  • Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense (my husband is a Questioner)
  • Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves
  • Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike

If you’d like to see me discuss each category in  a video, you can watch: for Upholders, watch here; Questioners, here;  Rebels, here, and Obligers, here.

Want to figure out your Tendency? Click here.

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions…

Upholders often enjoy making New Year’s resolutions, though they may also make resolutions during other times of the year. When they do make a resolution, they tend to do a good job of sticking to it.

Questioners often make resolutions, but they won’t wait until January 1 to start them.  They consider January 1 an arbitrary date, so think it’s foolish to use it as a starting point; they’d just start right away. Once they make up their mind to keep a resolution, they have good success.

Obligers have often given up making resolutions. If they’ve made resolutions in the past, they’ve often failed to keep them, so they don’t want to make new ones.  (If you’re an Obliger who wants to make a New Year’s resolution for 2015, remember: you must create a system of external accountability if you want to stick to it. Crucial.)

Rebels won’t make New Year’s resolutions. They’d never bind themselves in that way.

How about you? Do you make resolutions on January 1, or at any time, or never?

I’m an Upholder, all the way, and I will say that although I like the idea of New Year’s resolutions, I usually don’t wait until January 1 to try something. I just go ahead, because I’m eager to try something new.

Of course, given my approach to my subject matter of habits and happiness, this is somewhat of an occupational necessity.  Or, more likely, I’ve been using my writing to give me a great justification to do all the things I wanted to do, anyway.

As I told a friend, as we drove across the Brooklyn Bridge to go to the shop of a rogue perfumer, “This field trip counts as a billable hour for me.” Don’t think that I ever take that for granted. I don’t.

I do end up making lots of resolutions.

Going to Make a New Year’s Resolution? Consider These 5 Tips.

Forty-four percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, and I know I always do.  Now that I’m obsessed with habits, I’m more inclined to make resolutions than ever, in fact. If my happiness and habits research has convinced me of anything, it has convinced me that resolutions – made right – can make a huge difference in boosting happiness.

So how do you resolve well? This is trickier than it sounds. Here are some tips for making your resolutions as effective as possible. Remember, right now, you’re in the planning stage. Don’t feel like you have to do anything yet! Just start thinking about what would make 2015 a happier year.

1. Ask: “What would make me happier?” It might be having more of something good – more fun with friends, more time for a hobby. It might be having less of something bad – less yelling at your kids, less regretting what you’ve eaten. It might be fixing something that doesn’t feel right – more time spent volunteering, more time doing something to strengthen a relationship. The more your life reflects your values, the happier you’ll be. That’s why I love habits–habits help me ensure that my life reflects my values.

2. Ask: “What is a concrete habit that would bring about change?” One common problem is that people make abstract resolutions, which are hard to keep.  “Find more joy in life,” or “Enjoy now” are resolutions that are difficult to measure and therefore difficult to keep. Instead, look for a specific, measurable action that can become a habit. “Watch a classic movie every Sunday night“ or “Drink my coffee on my front steps every morning” are resolutions that will carry you toward those abstract goals.

3. Ask: “Am I a ‘yes’ resolver or a ‘no’ resolver?” Some people resent negative resolutions. They dislike hearing “don’t” or “stop” or adding to their list of chores. If this describes you, try to find positive resolutions: “Take that woodworking class,” “Have lunch with a friend once a week.” Or maybe you respond well to “no.” That’s my situation. A lot of my resolutions are aimed at getting me to stop doing something or to do something I don’t really want to do. Don’t expect praise or appreciation. Follow the one-minute rule.

There’s no right way to make a resolution, but it’s important to know what works for you. As always, the secret is to know your own nature.

For instance, my sister is a “yes” resolver.  Last year, she decided that she wanted to stop eating french fries (her Kryptonite) and that, at least for french fries, she was an Abstainer, not a Moderator. I asked, “But how did you manage to say ‘no’ to yourself?”

She said, “I tell myself: Now I’m free from french fries.” She found the way to see this habit change as a “yes.”

4. Ask: “Am I starting small enough? Or big enough?” Many people make super-ambitious resolutions and then drop them, feeling defeated, before January is over. We tend to over-estimate what we can do over a short time and under-estimate what we can do over a long time, if we make consistent, small steps. If you’re going to resolve to start exercising (one of the most popular resolutions), it might be too much to resolve to go to the gym for an hour every day before work. Start by going for a ten-minute walk at lunch or marching in place once a day during the commercial breaks in your favorite TV show. Little accomplishments provide energy for bigger challenges. Push yourself too hard and you may screech to a halt.

But the opposite of a profound truth is also true, and by contrast, some people do better when they start BIG. If they start small, they lose interest or get discouraged. For them, a big transformation generates an energy and excitement that helps to foster habits. Steve Jobs reflected, “I have a great respect for incremental improvement, and I’ve done that sort of thing in my life, but I’ve always been attracted to the more revolutionary changes. I don’t know why.”

There’s no right or wrong approach. What works for you–do you prefer to aim small or aim big?

5. Ask: “How am I going to hold myself accountable?” For many people, accountability is the secret to sticking to resolutions, and there are many ways to hold yourself accountable. I keep my Resolutions Chart (if you’d like to see my chart, for inspiration, email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin.com–just write “resolution chart” in the subject line).  Belonging to a group is a good way to hold yourself accountable, part of why AA and Weight Watchers are effective groups. (For a starter kit for starting a Better Than Before habits group, click here.) Accountability is one reason why #2 is so important. If your resolution is too vague, it’s hard to be held accountable. A resolution to “Eat healthier” is harder to track than “Eat salad for lunch three times a week.”

Special note to Obligers: Obligers, remember that external accountability is the key for you. It’s crucial. If you’re serious about wanting to keep a resolution, you must figure out a way to create external accountability.

Have you found any strategies that have helped you successfully keep resolutions in the past?

For more about keeping your resolutions, check out my book Better Than BeforePre-order now.

Farewell for the Holidays!

Soon I’m off to my beloved hometown of Kansas City, to make gingerbread cookies, do last-minute shopping, drink lots of coffee, and so on. I can’t wait.

I’m taking a holiday from the blog…I’ll be back soon. Have a wonderful holiday.

“I Wear the Chain I Forged in Life…Of My Own Free Will I Wore It.”

“You are fettered,” said Scrooge, trembling. “Tell me why?”

“I wear the chain I forged in life,” replied the Ghost. “I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it.”

— Charles Dickens, “A Christmas Carol

Habits are a chain we forge in life–a chain that can pull us down, or lift us up.

A nice marriage of the theme of habits and the holidays! I’m impressed I pulled that off.