I’m writing my next book, Before and After, about how we make and break habits–an issue very relevant to happiness. Each week, I’ll post a before-and-after story submitted by a reader, about how he or she successfully changed a habit. We can all learn from each other. If you’d like to share your story, contact me here. To be notified when the book is available for pre-order, sign up here.
This week’s story comes from Kelly Pietrangeli.
I used to have a very bad habit of shouting at my kids. (The irony of shouting at my kids to "stop shouting" was not lost on me.) I knew I needed to stop, but counting to 10 and taking deep breaths never worked for me. I needed to find some kind of strategy that would actually work.
I decided the first step was to talk to my kids and tell them I wanted to change this habit. I promised them that if I ever shouted I'd have to apologise. I don't like to apologise so this was a real biggie for me.
Next I went into self-observation mode for a few days to see what my typical triggers were. I noticed I'm short fused when I'm tired first thing in the morning and at end of the day and that being on time for school or activities made me edgy and more prone to outbursts. Knowing that I have more patience at some times than others made me see that often it wasn't their behaviour that 'caused' me to lose my rag, but it was my own problem.
I don't tolerate winging, complaining or being uncooperative, but I created a mantra: "My child is not BEING a problem, my child is HAVING a problem." This helped me to reframe the situation and come at it from a better angle.
I then read Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Dr. Laura Markham.
Dr. Markham tells us that if we really want to stop yelling, it’s completely possible – no matter how ingrained it is. It’s not rocket science and takes about 3 months once you’ve made the commitment.
This is the best book I’ve ever read for helping me understand myself and my children better.
Becoming a former Shout-a-holic was not an easy process for me and I slipped up a lot in the beginning, but I chose to persevere. I still have my occasional shouty moments, but they happen rarely now instead of daily. (Hourly!)
It really came down to self-awareness and a deep determination to change. I am incredibly proud of the new me!
In Before and After, I call this the Strategy of Foundation. We do a lot better job sticking to our good habits, I believe, when our foundation is strong. That means making sure we get enough sleep, that we're not too hungry, that we're not rushed or overwhelmed by dealing with clutter or lost items.
I also write a lot about this kind of issue in Happier at Home: when I'm happier, my family is happier, so I need to take the steps that help me to stay calm, attentive, and tender-hearted.
How about you? Have you worked on your foundation, and found that it helped your habits?