Gretchen Rubin

Are You a “People-Pleaser?” What Do You Feel Obliged To Do?

Are You a “People-Pleaser?” What Do You Feel Obliged To Do?

I posted yesterday about "Do you resist when anyone asks or tell you what to do?", about some questions I had about the Rebel Tendency, as part of the Four Tendencies framework I've created.

The  Four Tendencies are part of what I discuss in Better Than Before, my book on habit change.

A key piece of self-knowledge -- which is crucial to habit change -- is “What is your ‘Tendency’?”  That is: How do you respond to expectations?

-outer expectations (meet a deadline, perform a “request” from a sweetheart, follow traffic regulations)

-inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, keep a New Year’s resolution, start flossing)

Your response to expectations may sound slightly obscure, but it turns out to be very, very important.

In a nutshell:

  • Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations (I’m an Upholder, 100%)
  • Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense (my husband is a Questioner), so they make everything an inner expectation
  • Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves (they often describe themselves as “people-pleasers”)
  • Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike

 

I gave a talk at LinkedIn about the Four Tendencies, so if you’d like to see me discuss each category in  a video, you can watch: for Upholders, watch here; Questioners, here; Obligers, here, and Rebels, here.

I’m always trying to deepen my understanding of how they play out. So this week, I’m going to pose some questions. Yesterday, I focused on Rebels.

Today’s questions relate to the Obliger Tendency.

Obligers, and Obliger-observers, I'm curious: what do you feel obliged to do? It seems to me that Obligers vary tremendously in their standards. They often describe themselves as "people-pleasers" but some do much more to please than others!

Some Obligers seem to feel obliged to do all sorts of things -- perhaps even things that no one is actually expecting from them. "I have to make a homemade dessert for the bake sale." "I can't go to sleep with dirty dishes in the sink, because someone might see." "I have to do the yard work myself." They may exhaust themselves meeting obligations for others -- and feel burned out, and also resentful, because they don't meet their expectations for themselves.

Other Obligers seem to feel obliged only to do things if they'll actually get in some kind of trouble if they don't. "I won't work on the report until my boss comes looking for it." "I won't clean up the kitchen unless someone is coming over."

Another variety: I have a friend who is an Obliger, and very ethical. She feels obligated to anything that she considers morally necessary. So  she feels obliged to be on time, because that shows respect for others, which is morally worthy, but she feels no obligation to go to the gym. I said, "What about your duty to yourself?" (That's the Upholder perspective.) She just waved her hand and said, "Meh."

Note: For Obligers to meet expectations for themselves, they need to create systems of external accountability. This is key! Essential! And makes an enormous difference.

What do you think? Does this ring true? What spectrum of Obliger behavior have you noticed or experienced?

If you want to know when Better Than Before goes on sale — and of course you do — sign up here.

icon emailNewsletterLight

Get monthly newsletter updates from Gretchen.

icon schooled

Find out if you’re an Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, or a Rebel.

The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t actOur Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so understanding your Tendency lets us make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress and burnout, and engage more effectively.

Take the quiz

Get My Monthly Newsletter

Sign up to get my free monthly newsletter. It highlights the best material from here, my Facebook Page, and new original work.