I'm a huge fan of children's literature (in fact, I'm in three reading groups where we read children's and young-adult literature), and Laura Ingalls Wilder has always had a special place in my heart.
So I was thrilled when I found out that her book Pioneer Girl: The Annotated Autobiography, was being published. I raced through the book last week; so fascinating. For instance, it turns out Nellie Olsen was an amalgam of three annoying girls.
I was particularly struck, however, when I read a scene that also appears in These Happy Golden Years. Which I know like the back of my hand, by the way.
Laura is fifteen years old, and teaching school, where one of her pupils is Clarence. He's older than Laura, very smart; "he was quick in speaking and moving...[and] had a way of speaking that was almost saucy." He misbehaves occasionally, but the bigger issue is that after the first few days, that he refuses to study, and tells her "It's no use trying to learn such long lessons."
Laura is frustrated, because she knows that he could learn the lessons if he tried, but he won't.
When Laura asks her parents for advice, Ma says, "It's attention he wants." Now that I've figured out the Four Tendencies, I disagree. I think Ma was nearer the mark when she also observes, "Better not try to make him do anything, because you can't." (If you want to read about the Four Tendencies--Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel, or take the Quiz to determine your own Tendency, go here.)
From the description, I'd say that Clarence is a Rebel. He can't stand for someone to tell him that he must do something; when he hears this, he resists, even though he's a smart kid who wants to learn.
But when Laura changes her approach, he changes.
When Laura gives others their assignments, she tell him, "This doesn't mean you, Clarence; it would make your lesson far too long...How much do you think you can learn? Would three [pages] be too much?"
In this way, she does two things. First, she leaves the choice to Clarence, and gives him freedom. Rebels want to act from choice and freedom.
Second, for Rebels, the impulse "I'll show you!" is often very strong. They tend to respond to a challenge. When she suggests that he can't master three pages, he thinks, "I'll show her."
The Pioneer Girl version shows this dynamic even more dramatically. There, Laura reports that she said, "'Is that too long Clarance? Perhaps it is and better take only to here. I really don't think you could learn so far as I first said,' and he would exclaim, 'Oh yes I can teacher.' He had now gotten to the point where he would add a little more to my first suggestion and learn it too, to prove that he could."
Within a week, Clarence has caught up to the other pupils. He studied at night to master the material.
It's very useful to understand the Four Tendencies, because Rebels -- and Upholders, Questioners, and Obligers -- really have very different perspectives on the world. If we want to be persuasive, if we want to work and live harmoniously with other people, it's helpful to understand their ways of seeing things.
Ah, how I love Laura Ingalls Wilder! The end of my book Happier at Home is an homage to her and her brilliant work. Of everything I've ever written, I must say, the last few pages of Happier at Home are definitely among my favorites.
Have you ever found a way to communicate with someone -- so that a point of conflict vanished? It's not easy to see the world through someone else's eyes.
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The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so understanding your Tendency lets us make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress and burnout, and engage more effectively.