One of my most useful Secrets of Adulthood is: When we give more to ourselves, we can ask more from ourselves.

Feeling cared for and contented helps to boost our self-command—and self-command allows us to maintain our good habits. So it’s a good idea to give ourselves plenty of healthy treats.

Studies show that people who got a little treat, such as getting a surprise gift or watching a funny video, gained in self-control. When I need a treat, I re-watch an episode from one of my favorite TV shows, or I re-read a few chapters from one of my favorite books from childhood.

It’s crucial to give ourselves healthy treats, because unhealthy treats are often bad for us. We don’t want to give ourselves something to feel better that just makes us ending up feeling worse, like online shopping, another glass of scotch, a big brownie.

Because it can be surprisingly hard to think of your treats when you need one, it’s helpful to keep a list. Here are just a few of my healthy treats:

—beautiful smells

—clearing minor clutter

—returning and checking out books from the library

—making my daily visit to the Met

When I asked my friends and listeners about their treats, I heard some funny ideas:

• Doing chores or work-like activities which, for them, count as fun, such as ironing, writing code, or doing Latin translation.
• A friend who, every day after getting her kids off to school, goes back to bed for twenty minutes to either sleep or just lie there before starting work. She said, “It’s the best part of my day!”
• Another friend who treated herself for her birthday by walking six miles to work just for fun.
• Having a session of “fur therapy” by petting a dog or cat.
• Filling up an online shopping cart but logging out without actually making a purchase—this one is surprisingly common. Apparently the fun of choosing is separate from the fun of buying and acquiring.

Doing these activities isn’t selfish or a waste of time. When you think about your own individual self—what you enjoy, what you find comforting, what you find energizing—and give that to your self, you prepare yourself to be more considerate of others.

It’s not selfish to be self-ish.

When you give more to yourself, you can ask more from yourself.