I’ve been traveling a lot lately, so spending a lot of time on planes. I’m so happy that years ago, I copied a practice from a friend. She told me, “For work, I fly constantly. To make that time easier, my rule is that during work travel, I read for pleasure. No laptop, no document review. Only fiction.” So I never try to work on a plane, I read whatever I want. I always bring two or three books with me (I have to read a physical book), and I don’t want to get stuck with something I don’t like (which has happened). To qualify as a “plane book” is the highest praise I can give to a book.
Onward,
5 Things Making Me Happy
So exciting! On Wednesday, October 22, I’m revealing my Darker Secrets of Adulthood: Uncomfortable Truths for Our Complex Lives (Part I). During my recent book tour for Secrets of Adulthood, readers discovered that I’d written this shadow collection of dark aphorisms—and kept insisting that they did, in fact, want to read it—so voilà. This series will be available only to paid subscribers of my Substack newsletter. If you’d like to read these “darker secrets” for yourself—and also have access to other exclusive essays, conversations, and community events—subscribe at Secrets of Adulthood.
I love the movie Saturday Night Fever—if you assume that it’s a corny movie about disco, you’re so wrong—and I’ve been meaning to re-watch it. I was fascinated to learn that the movie was based on a New York article by Nik Cohn, “Tribal Rites of the New Saturday Night,” published June 7, 1976, but while the article was published as a work of factual journalism, around the twentieth anniversary of the article, Cohn revealed he’d mostly made it up.
One of my favorite magazines is The Economist, and I was happy to learn this fact in a recent issue: “Another cause for optimism is that healthy human lifespans keep stretching…In a 41-country sample…a 70-year-old in 2022 had the same cognitive abilities as a 53-year-old had in 2000.” (I welcome further causes for optimism; send them my way.)
I recently read Leanne Shapton’s thought-provoking memoir, Swimming Studies, about growing up as a competitive swimmer. I’m a connoisseur of book-jacket design, and I really admire its spare, mysterious, evocative cover. At first glance, the shape seems arbitrary—then becomes instantly recognizable as a depiction of the precise icon to convey the book’s subject.
It’s silly and fun to see how Pixar captured the voice of toddler Mary Gibbs for the character of Boo for the movie Monsters, Inc. Because she was so young, instead of expecting her to work from a script, the crew recorded her natural babble and used that material. (Maybe I need to re-watch that movie, too.)
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This week on Happier with Gretchen Rubin
PODCAST EPISODE: 555
Invest in Tools, an Orange Theory Hack & a Sobering Fact about Books
INTERVIEW
Alison van Diggelen
Alison van Diggelen’s debut book, The Love Project is a celebration of love, weaving together conversations and stories revealing perilous, empowering, and mysterious secrets. A journalist known for her intimate interviews, Alison has had deep conversations with Oscar winners, Nobel Prize winners and tech visionaries for the BBC, PBS, NPR and other media. After her mother’s unexpected, late-in-life love story, Alison was inspired to interview remarkable people in her community, using the lens of love.
Q: Can you suggest something we might try to help ourselves to become happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?
Try to find opportunities from setbacks or upheavals in your life!
In 2022, I had a violent encounter with a dog. The experience upended my world and left me fearful and anxious. I continued my work with the BBC, but everything lost its allure. Shortly after that, my ninety-year-old mother, a widow, found a new love in her life. Paul is a wonderful man ten years younger who adores her. When I saw how love transformed her, I found the spark that launched a new focus for my interviews: love.
My curiosity spiked and I wondered: Can I dig myself out of this dark place by using the lens of love to explore what love means to people in my small community? Conversation by conversation, I began to learn some deep truths about the power of love and forgiveness, grief and resilience. Over many months, this love project grew to thirty stories, celebrating all kinds of love: romantic, filial, platonic, gay, trans, community. The journey began to imbue me with hope, and joy, optimism, and love. I realized that I was fulfilling my lifelong dream and writing a book!
The Love Project launched October 1st and I couldn’t be happier. In September, I flew to Scotland to deliver a large print bespoke copy to my mother. Seeing the joy it brings her is profoundly uplifting. She’s thrilled to have inspired this celebration of love and told me — for the first time — that she realizes how much she’s influenced and energized me. When I share her love story with single people, they tell me: your mother’s story gives me hope! The sparkle in their eyes, the joy on their faces are gifts that make me feel happier, healthier, and more productive.
So, when life comes to a screeching halt, I encourage friends to listen to their hearts, be kind to themselves, and stay open to positive influences around them. When you follow your curiosity, you never know where your journey will lead.
Q: Do you have a Secret of Adulthood? A lesson you’ve learned from life the hard way; something you’d tell your younger self?
Surround yourself with people who respect and energize you. Let go of trying to please everyone. It’s mission impossible. Don’t invite naysayers or energy-sappers into your inner circle. Be clear about your values and try to live your life being true to them.
Q: What simple habit boosts your happiness or energy?
If you’re flagging during the day, play a song like Empire State of Mind, Lady Marmalade or What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love and then dance like no one is watching.
Yoga can also boost your happiness and energy. It has been for me. Even five to ten minutes of yoga before breakfast can help make us more grounded, limber and relaxed. My goal is to attend a yoga class at my local studio three times a week. To build a regular yoga habit: Sign up in advance (and pay) for classes at the beginning of the month. That will incentivize you to get your bottom on the mat regularly! If you’re new to a community, yoga is a brilliant way to meet a soulful group of new friends and neighbors. Namaste!
Q: Is there a particular motto that you’ve found very helpful?
When my children were babies and sleep deprivation was debilitating, my mother often told me, “Try to nap when they nap. Let the house go!” That gave me permission and probably saved my sanity.
And later, when I complained to her about never-ending work deadlines and keeping up with the laundry etc., she told me, “You just have to get on with it!” It felt harsh at the time, but sometimes, I hear her voice in my ear and it works.
When working on my book, The Love Project, I interviewed Andor, a Hungarian man who’d enjoyed over fifty years of happy marriage. I asked him, “What’s the secret to enduring love?” And his eyes flashed with exuberance as he told me, “Live in the moment!” I couldn’t agree more, although we all need reminding of that sometimes.
The Serenity Prayer has also helped me through challenging times. It reminds me that there are many things that we can’t control, especially the moods, actions or reactions of other people. And one final mantra: “Assume good intent.” I shared that reframing tip with a girlfriend and she told me it changed her life!
Q: Has a book ever changed your life? If so, which one and why?
The Happiness Project changed my life twice: first, when it was published and Gretchen’s way of methodically pursuing happiness and gratitude helped revolutionize the way I looked at, and lived my life. [Gretchen: Awwww, thanks Alison! I’m so happy to hear that my work struck such a chord with you.]
And again in 2022, when I was stuck in a dark place, I picked it up again. This time it not only helped me re-establish uplifting daily habits, but it inspired me to write my own book, The Love Project, a Journey of Intimate Conversations. And that journey has changed my life. As well as achieving a lifetime dream of being a published author, I have learned a lot about love and now have deeper relationships with my mother, my family and my community.
Here are some of the lessons I learned:
“Grief and joy and they’re two sides of the same coin and maybe that coin is love.” Jennifer Perlmutter, Carmel mixed media artist.
“Love is the little things. It’s not really what you give a person. It’s more of what you do for a person.” Kaitlyn, a teen and pastry chef in-training.
“Life is a very short ride. We’re here to learn from one another. Nothing else can be greater than love.” Angela, a Brazilian orphan and hospice worker.
“I just want to close my eyes and fight back against the darkness of the world with bagpiping. And if I have love in my heart, I feel like I have a fighting chance of winning that battle, pushing the light, pushing the positive energy out there.” Greg Freeman, Carmel beach bagpiper, after his father’s sudden death.
“Forgive and just move forward. Take care of today and take care of yourself.” Maria, whose father betrayed her and left her homeless.
“The way that we love ourselves is the way that we learn to love other people.” David O’Neil, professional volunteer and Carmel artist, whose father threw him out for being gay.
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