A question that always interests me is, “How do we make a tough decision?” If we don’t see our way forward, if we’re weighing an apple against an orange, if the pros and cons feel equally balanced, how to we move forward?

In my book Secrets of Adulthood, I list some of my suggestions for making a hard decision.

For instance, one way to make a decision is to “Choose the bigger life.” When you weigh two options against each other, they may seem perfectly balanced, but when you say, “Which option, for me, gives me the bigger life?” one option often seems to jump out. For instance, should I get a dog?

Another way is to make the decision that allows you to “Step into the future.” My sister Elizabeth, who works in Hollywood, often reminds herself to step into the future. For instance, she and her writing partner recently started a Substack newsletter, Happier in Hollywood, as a way to embrace the future.

Another way to help make a decision is to ask yourself, “Am I setting up a false choice?” Can I avoid choosing at all, can I choose both options—or neither option? I remember an email from a listener who wrote, “I want to be healthier, but now I have to decide whether I want to continue to have a fun, active life with my friends or stay home eating lettuce.” To me, that sure sounds like a false choice.

Recently, something happened in my own life that reminded me of an additional Secret of Adulthood for making a tough decision.

I’ll tell you the story.

One day, I noticed that our dog Barnaby had a hard lump on his back. It didn’t seem to bother him, but it was new and weird, so we made a vet appointment.

But before long, Barnaby started behaving strangely. He didn’t seem restless, he didn’t bark, but every few minutes, he’d give a little quiet whine or sigh. He’d never done that before.

“I’m worried about Barnaby,” I told my husband Jamie. “He’s acting so oddly. We’ve never seen this. I’m worried that he’s in pain.”

“I don’t know,” Jamie said. “He seems pretty normal to me.”

“But how do we think he would behave, if he were in pain? He’s whimpering and whining every few minutes. That sure seems like it could be a sign of pain.”

“Well, you call the emergency vet service,” Jamie said. “If you do that, I’ll take him in if they say we should.”

“Okay,” I said, relieved to take action. I called, left a message, and the vet called me back.

What she said was extremely clarifying to me, and a great example of one of my own Secrets of Adulthood. That’s the challenge of Secrets of Adulthood—even when I’ve learned the secret, I don’t always realize how and when to apply it in my own life!

Here’s what she said. She listened to my description and replied, “Over the phone, I can’t know enough to tell you whether his condition is serious enough to mean that he needs to come in. But you’re worried enough to call me, which makes me think maybe he should come in.”

Her observation made my decision perfectly clear.

One thing I know about myself is that I’m not much of a worrier. Sure, I worry about a lot of things, but compared to most people, I’m not quick to worry. I don’t often think that something is wrong with Barnaby, I don’t jump to conclusions, I don’t expect the worst. So the fact that I was worried was worrisome.

“Jamie,” I said as I put down my phone, “you need to take Barnaby in.”

And Jamie did take Barnaby to the emergency vet, and it was a very good thing he did—Barnaby returned home with stitches and bottles of antibiotics and painkillers.

That incident illustrates a Secret of Adulthood for making decisions. So there’s “Choose the bigger life,” “Step into the future,” and “Am I setting up a false choice?”

The additional Secret of Adulthood that helps with making decisions is: With some questions, the very inclination to consider the question suggests your answer.

For instance, for these questions, the answer is probably “Yes”: “Am I a decent parent?” “Do I have a drinking problem?” “Am I carrying too much, should I take two trips?” “Should I bring an umbrella?” “Should I finally get a dog?”

But for other questions—such as “Are these ingredients healthy?” “Should I stay up late to watch one more episode?” “Should I hit ‘send’ on this angry email?”—the answer is probably “No.”

As the vet pointed out, the question of “Is the situation worrisome enough that you wonder whether you need professional help?” suggests that probably you do need help.

Sometimes, when you’re facing a difficult question, the very act of asking the question gives you your answer.