Last week, my mother, my older daughter, Eliza, and I went on a two-night trip to Chicago. We had a terrific time on this quick adventure, and it showed me the truth of five of my Secrets of Adulthood. (If you want more of these kinds of “secrets,” check out my book Secrets of Adulthood.)
Onward,
5 Things Making Me Happy
A quest is more fun than a jaunt. This trip was inspired by the fact that Eliza is writing her master’s thesis on dollhouses—and if you’re interested in dollhouses, Chicago is a great place to go. We visited Colleen Moore’s fanciful Fairy Castle in the Museum of Science and Industry and the scholarly Thorne Miniature Rooms in the gorgeous Art Institute. The three of us did other things as well, but seeing those two exhibits gave our trip a specific purpose and focus. And that made our time together more fun. Plus, without that quest, we might have become stuck on the question, “Where should we go?” Or more likely, we wouldn’t have thought to take a trip at all.
For maintaining relationships, frequency is more important than duration. This trip lasted just two nights—and that gave us plenty of time to feel like we really connected and caught up.
One night is enough for an adventure. Or even a day trip! We had two nights together, but even one night would have been sufficient. I’m always amazed by how little time it takes to feel like I’ve really shaken myself out of my routine and had a novel, stimulating time. And, because the trip was so short, it was much easier to schedule. Speaking of scheduling…
Scheduling is life. So many great plans don’t happen because of scheduling problems. Scheduling is a huge hassle, but it’s a necessary part of a rich life. I remind myself of this secret every time I face my calendar with a sinking heart.
Always leave room in the suitcase. Literally and figuratively. Don’t pack so tightly that there’s no room for something new and unexpected to be added.
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This week on Happier with Gretchen Rubin
PODCAST EPISODE: 584
Why It’s Helpful to Search for a Solution, Plus an Easy Hack for Staying Productive
INTERVIEW
Leidy Klotz
Leidy Klotz is a behavioral scientist and engineering professor at the University of Virginia who studies how and why humans design. His new book, In a Good Place: How the Spaces Where We Live, Work, and Play Can Help Us Thrive, is available now.
Q: Can you suggest something we might try to help ourselves to become happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?
Try this: Look up from your screen and find something new about the space you’re in. I just did it and now I appreciate the cozy angle in the ceiling right above my head, the contrast where the smooth baseboard hits the textured carpet, and the sunlight glistening off the glossy white paint on the side of the open bedroom door. That’s three new things in about thirty seconds, I’m in a very familiar place, and I only used my eyes; I didn’t even get into sounds or smells. What people notice differs, but they always discover something new that’s been there all along.
These days we tend to move through our lives disconnected from the world around us. I’m not the first author to point that out . But working on my new book, In a Good Place, revealed something more: to be happy and healthy, we need to be in touch with our physical surroundings.
A relationship with the places we inhabit is not optional. No matter what new feature our screens promise, the fact remains that we’ve evolved in three-dimensional environments, using all of our senses. Survival depended on an ability to get around the real world and to make it safe and suited to humans. Just as we like eating and having sex, we are wired to engage with our surroundings. When we do the simple exercise of tuning into the space beyond our screens, not only are we seeing amazing human ingenuity, we’re satisfying a fundamental human need to shape and be shaped by our environments. And that’s a prerequisite for a happier, more connected life.
Q: Do you have a Secret of Adulthood? A lesson you’ve learned from life the hard way; something you’d tell your younger self?
Dear younger Leidy,
Take Psychology 101, or whichever course promises a general introduction to the subject. Yes, it will be possible to get through high school, college, and beyond without learning about the science of humans. Sure, you can graduate having been taught more about the behavior of steel-framed buildings than the behavior of people. But here’s the thing: not having to take psychology isn’t some deliberate decision about what’s most useful to learn. It’s simply how we’ve always done things. And that’s a red flag.
Most of your learning in life will happen outside the classroom, which is good. But some courses provide a framework for lessons from everywhere else. Psychology is one of them. It will help you better understand yourself and the people (and places) around you.
Trust me on this one.
Sincerely,
Older (and wiser) Leidy
Q: What simple habit boosts your happiness or energy?
Running. Everything is better after I run.
Q: Is there a particular motto that you’ve found very helpful?
“Life is how you react.”
A soccer coach shared this creed with me and it has guided me through challenges big and small, from how to respond to a lost game to my four-year old daughter dying suddenly on Christmas morning.
It’s not just a mantra about responding to awful things, it also spurs me to make the most of blessings, like having amazing parents and being able to go for a run.
Q: Has a book ever changed your life?
Oh, they all do, don’t they? That’s my litmus test for reading: Will this change my life? It sounds like a high bar, but so many books meet it, including the last three I read. Joel Stein’s satire, In Defense of Elitism, added some nuance to my thinking about our polarized times and left me in a better mood. Raising Empowered Athletes by Kirsten Jones is helping me be a better dad and (assistant) soccer coach. Catch a Fire by Timothy White is an impossibly good biography of Bob Marley that brought me into his world and enriched my own. That last one is really a work of art, White took so much care in the research and craft, beyond any practical reason except, you know, changing my life.
If you write books, one of those will be the most life changing. And to date that would be my last book, Subtract, which has rewired my brain and has helped open the door to so many fascinating conversations, including this one.
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