People often ask me, “What’s the secret to happiness? If you had to choose one thing, what would you choose?”

Depending on your perspective, that question can be answered in a few different ways.

One answer is: Relationships. Contemporary scientists and ancient philosophers agree that to be happy, we need strong, enduring bonds to others.

Another answer is: Self-knowledge. We can build happy lives only on the foundation of our own nature, our own interests, our own values, our own temperament. I’ve certainly found that to be true in my own case.

What is self-knowledge? Self-knowledge is an accurate understanding of your own nature, interests, values, and temperament. For happiness, the hard part is separating what’s true about yourself from what you wish were true, or think ought to be true.

Why Is It So Hard to Know Yourself?

You might think, “Of course I know myself. I just hang out with myself all day long!” But in fact, it’s easy to be distracted by the way we wish we were, or think we ought to be, or what others think we should be, until we lose sight of what’s actually true. As Christopher Alexander observed:

It is hard, so terribly hard, to please yourself. Far from being the easy thing that it sounds like, it is almost the hardest thing in the world, because we are not always comfortable with that true self that lies deep within us.

The Nature of Order, Book Four: The Luminous Ground

My first Personal Commandment is to “Be Gretchen.” Sometimes, it’s tough to follow. Some people spend years trying to become a morning person, or someone who loves hosting big parties, because that’s the kind of person they admire. But really, we’re happiest when our decisions most closely match our natures and our values.

How to Know Yourself Better: Ask Yourself Questions

A shrewd question can kick up unexpected insights, and often points the way toward useful change.

For instance: What do you lie about? A friend told me, “My doctor asked me if I wore sunscreen, and I said I did, even though I almost never do.” When we lie, we show that in some way, our actions don’t reflect our values. And that’s a very, very useful thing to observe.

Also, an astute question can help us notice an overlooked pattern or characteristic about ourselves.

This strategy—asking ourselves questions—is so effective, and so important for happiness, that on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, one of our recurring segments is “Know Yourself Better.”

Here are some questions to try.

• What time of day do you feel most productive? 
• Are you a simplicity-lover or an abundance-lover?
• What you did for fun when you were ten years old? It might inspire you to pick up a new hobby. 
• What would your perfect day be like? Perhaps it could reveal ways to make today a little happier.
• Are you an Abstainer or a Moderator? If it’s easier for you to give up a temptation entirely than to indulge in it once in a while, you may be an Abstainer. If strict rules make you feel trapped, you may be a Moderator.
• How do you respond to expectations? Some people readily meet both outer expectations, like a work deadline, and inner expectations, like a New Year’s resolution. Others meet one kind easily and struggle with the other. This question is the basis of my Four Tendencies framework.

Putting Your Answers on the Page

I’ve been talking to people about happiness and self-knowledge for years, so I knew that many people want to gain greater self-knowledge, but need direction.

To meet this need, allow me to present…the Know Yourself Better Journal!

For many people–and certainly for me–writing brings clarity. I know what I think only once I’m trying to write it down in words. Vague thoughts become specific; logical gaps become obvious, and patterns begin to emerge. So it’s more helpful to write answers to these questions than to merely ponder them. It’s astonishing how often I will have a flash of insight mid-sentence.