I’ve heard from many people about how they use my “Four Tendencies” personality framework in their dealings with children. Whether we’re dealing with children (or adults), when we know someone’s Tendency, we can make arguments that are more persuasive, set up systems that are more effective, and save ourselves a lot of frustration.
If you need a quick overview of the Four Tendencies:
In a nutshell, my framework distinguishes how people tend to respond to expectations: outer expectations (meet a deadline, agree to a request from a friend) and inner expectations (write a novel in your free time, keep a New Year’s resolution).
- Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations. Motto: “Discipline is my freedom.”
- Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense–essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations. Motto: “I’ll comply if you convince me why.”
- Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves; to meet inner expectations, they must have systems of outer accountability. Motto: “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.”
- Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike; they want to do what they want to do; they don’t even like to tell themselves what to do. Motto: “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”
To take the free, quick Quiz to determine your Tendency, go here. (More than three million people have taken it.)
From my observation, our Tendency is a hard-wired part of our nature. It’s not a product of upbringing, generation, birth order, nationality—it’s part of our inborn nature. It’s shaped by time, experience, and culture, but it’s there from the beginning.
For that reason, it’s often possible to spot children’s Tendencies from a very young age. It’s not always possible, because children aren’t autonomous the way adults are, but very often it’s easy to identify.
When we know a child’s Tendency, we can tailor our approach for maximum effectiveness, and avoid an approach that will yield frustration or procrastination.
Schoolwork, household chores, morning and bedtime routines, sports and activities, and socializing with friends and family members all come with expectations, so knowing how a child responds to expectations can help cultivate understanding and reduce conflict.
The Four Tendencies framework can help.
If you have an Upholder child:
- They’re self-directed, so they can meet deadlines, join a remote-learning class, or feed their fish, without much supervision.
- They’re eager to meet expectations and may become very uneasy when it’s not clear what’s expected—e.g., when an assignment is unclear or when they’re having trouble using a new technology.
- To others, they can seem uptight or rigid.
- They embrace routine, so they may feel anxious about any sudden changes to their usual daily schedule.
- They thrive in predictability, so might find it hard to adapt to a situation that’s unstructured or unpredictable.
- They may get very upset if they break the rules–such as when they’re late for school (even if it’s not their fault) or when they make a mistake, such as forgetting to bring an item to school.
- “Your teacher will understand that sometimes children can’t complete an assignment, for reasons that aren’t their fault, and that’s okay.”
- “Your teacher expects you to read for 30 minutes every night, but because we went to visit Grandma, it will be bedtime when we get home. A good night’s sleep will make you alert for school tomorrow, and that’s more important than reading tonight.”
- “Let’s make a schedule for the day. Why don’t you write the times for class, homework, exercise, free time, meals, TV, chores, and whatever else you think should go on it?”
- “I think we should just eat lunch whenever we get hungry, but you want us to eat at a particular time. Okay, let’s say 12:30.”
If you have a Questioner child:
- They put a high value on reason, research, information, and efficiency. They need justifications.
- They follow an “authority” only if they trust his or her expertise.
- Their persistent questioning may cause teachers, professors, or parents to view them as uncooperative or disrespectful—if someone is told “You ask too many questions,” that’s a strong clue that the person is a Questioner.
- They often refuse to do anything that seems pointless or arbitrary—“Why should I bother to do this dumb worksheet? It’s not teaching me anything.”
- They tend to like to customize and monitor.
- Parents, teachers, and professors should ensure that Questioners get the robust explanations they need to meet expectations—not “Because I say so” or “Sixth graders always do this assignment.”
- “It may seem like a waste of time to write a book report when your teacher already knows you read the book, but this is an effective exercise to learn about how to summarize information, convey your thoughts clearly and convincingly, and identify the most important elements of what you read. Those skills will serve you well in many contexts.”
- “You make an interesting point about why this assignment doesn’t make sense. Can you think of any reasons why it does make sense?”
- “If you don’t do what the parking sign says, you may have to pay a fine.”
- “You have a lot of work to do. What do you think would be the most efficient way for you to tackle these tasks?”
- “Doing this short assignment now will help you study when it’s time for the test.”
If you have an Obliger child:
- They require supervision, deadlines, monitoring, and other forms of accountability; gentle reminders and many small deadlines may work better than one big distant deadline.
- They must have systems of external accountability–perhaps multiple systems of accountability–in order to meet inner expectations. (This is true for adults, too!)
- Parents, teachers, and professors should ensure that work is distributed fairly—for instance, that for a group project, Obligers aren’t being exploited by others.
- “Your teacher assigned The Giver to read? I’ll read it, too, and you and I can talk about it.”
- “I have my office work, and you have your school work. Let’s both do our work at the dining room table, at the same time, each day.”
- “You may think your teacher won’t be able to tell if you’ve prepared, but believe me, a teacher can tell right away who’s faking it.”
- “Let’s make a checklist of the things that you need to get done today.”
- You might find online tools that can help create accountability—many Obligers use Focusmate.
If you have a Rebel child:
- They put a high value on freedom, choice, and self-expression; they can do anything they want to do, and they don’t want to feel controlled.
- If someone asks or tells them to do something, they’re likely to resist.
- They resist supervision, advice, nagging, or reminders; when you remind Rebels to do a task, you’re very likely making it less likely that they will do it.
- They may act as though ordinary rules don’t apply to them; for instance, they may complete an assignment in their own way.
- They resist routines, schedules, repetitive tasks, and being committed to do a particular thing at a particular time.
- To inspire a Rebel to act, it’s often most effective to appeal to their identity–a child identifies as an artist, an animal-lover, an athlete, a loving family member, a reliable friend, an outstanding student, a performer.
- It’s also often useful to use information-consequence-choice. “The school circulated this form for seniors to submit their three top choices for each elective. If you hand in your scheduling form on time, you’ll be more likely to get your top choices. If you hand in the form late, you’ll be stuck in the unpopular classes, because the popular classes will already be full. Here’s the form.”
- They often enjoy a challenge: “You think I can’t learn to play this piece of music? Watch me!”
- As painful as it may be to watch, it’s crucial that Rebel children be allowed to experience the negative consequences of their bad choices.
- Often the most effective strategy with Rebels is to say nothing. Let them do things their own way, stay out of it! Don’t encourage, remind, nag, help, or even praise. To a Rebel, these well-meaning comments come across as attempts to control. Yes, this is easier said than done.
- “Sometime before dinner, spend three hours on schoolwork. You decide what you want to work on, when, where, and how.”
- “For reading time, pick whatever book you feel like reading.”
- “Wow, writing a short story sounds like a challenging assignment! I can’t wait to read what you write. You have such a brilliant imagination.”
- “Bet you can’t get ready in less than two minutes, can you beat your old record?”
- “You want to work on your senior paper at 11:00 p.m.? Okay.”
Some general notes:
Pick your battles. If your Questioner child asks, “Why should I make my bed every morning, if I just unmake it every night,” you might answer, “Fine, don’t make it.”
If you have more than one child, be fair. Many parents comment that it’s easy to fall into the habit of loading chores and tasks onto Obliger or Upholder children, who tend to more cooperative, and not asking Rebel or Questioner children to do as much; with Rebels and Questioners, we’re much more likely to face arguments, resistance, or refusal. But that’s not fair. Nevertheless…
Fairness doesn’t require that we treat all children the same way. An Obliger child might thrive when given supervision and deadlines. A Rebel child might thrive when given autonomy and flexibility. You might let an Upholder child look after himself or herself without much oversight. A Questioner child might need you to make sure that he or she hasn’t decided that certain assignments were optional.
Want more parenting resources?
Want more to read more about the Four Tendencies?
- A mother’s brilliant strategy for dealing with a Rebel pre-schooler.
- Are you annoying? (I know I am.) How understanding a Tendency can help.
Want to listen to a discussion of the Four Tendencies on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast?
