Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: close relationships are a key—maybe the key—to a happy life.
As part of our circle of associations, we have friends, and we also have friendly acquaintances.
With friends, we have close, long-term bonds; we can confide; we feel like we belong; we give and receive support; we trust.
With acquaintances, we may enjoy seeing them very much, but our relationship never progresses past the particular situation or moment that brings us together. To be clear, that kind of relationship is hugely valuable, but it’s not the same as having a friend.
When we’re younger, our networks tend to grow, but when we get older, our networks may shrink, so it’s important to continue to cultivate friendships.
However, it can be hard to make a new friend, especially as an adult.
We can also misjudge the nature of relationship—for example, we might consider someone a “friend,” but in fact, we’re just friendly acquaintances—which means that the relationship will dissolve when, for instance, we no longer work together or when our children leave for college.
To turn a friendly acquaintance into a friend, consider following these steps.
Note, too, that if you haven’t taken at least a few of these steps, you probably have an “acquaintance” relationship with someone, not a friendship. (Again: acquaintance relationships are very valuable! It’s just useful to distinguish the difference.)
Steps to consider:
- Plan an activity together that’s unrelated to why you know each other—co-workers go to a concert.
- Invite them into your home or to a social gathering.
- Socialize together with your spouses or sweethearts.
- Ask for a favor.
- Confide a secret. Trust is an important marker for friendship.
- Make a thoughtful gesture on their birthday or important milestone. This shows you’re paying attention and care about what’s going on in their life. Along the same lines…
- Remember important details about their life and follow up about ongoing issues.
- Start a group with them around a shared interest or regular activity. It’s easier to see someone consistently in a group, and consistency is important for friendship.
- Give them a nickname or title.
- Show or tell that you consider someone a “friend.” We tend to like people more when we know we like them!
- Start an inside joke. Sharing special moments or callbacks can help build a feeling of intimacy.
- If possible, don’t rely on social media to stay connected. Technology can provide useful tools to help you stay up to date, but generally they aren’t replacements for spending time together in person.
- Take advantage of the “triadic closure” phenomenon–it’s often easier to befriend the friends of our existing friends. So if you have a friend in common, make an effort to get to know that person better too.
- Send a text about something unrelated to the context in which you know this person.
- Send this person a direct text separate from a group text.
During our discussion on the Happier podcast, Elizabeth and I asked listeners for their suggestions, and here are some additional ideas:
- Be patient; friendship takes time
- Make overtures to people instead of waiting for them to reach out to you
- Be upfront—say something like, “It’s great to have you as a work friend—let’s be real friends!”
- Don’t rush to share your life story or to connect too deeply; too much, too soon might scare someone away
- Remember that some people warm up slowly
- Don’t take it personally if someone isn’t interested; sometimes it’s just not the right time or someone isn’t interested in making new friends
- Do a “walk and talk” where you have a conversation while walking
- Use books as conversation-starters and offer to lend your books
For more tips, read Quick, Easy Ways to Build Friendships.
The key is to put in the time and effort. Prepare to be the one to to reach out, to suggest plans, to make the first move toward friendship.
Making this kind of gesture can feel awkward, but remember, research shows that people tend to welcome an overture toward friendship; they value it and tend to respond warmly.
As Francois de La Rochefoucauld observed, “A true friend is the greatest of all possessions, and the one that we give least thought to acquiring.”
It’s worth giving friendship a great deal of thought.
