There’s a question I have, about an aspect of my childhood, that I reflect on often. I don’t think it has an answer, but I think it’s a valuable question for me to ponder, because it raises an issue that remains quite relevant to my life, even to this day. 

When I was in grade school and high school, I was one of those kids who always did the extra credit and signed up for extra-curriculars. For that reason, even though I have absolutely no athletic skill—I have zero eye-hand coordination, I’m not athletic, and I don’t like games—nevertheless I thought it was important to be on a team, so I played on my school’s field-hockey team. (My small school was the kind of school where everyone who tried out got to be on the team.)

I hated field-hockey practice and games. I liked aspects of being on a team well enough, like spending time with other kids and traveling to other schools, but I passionately disliked the actual field hockey of it all.

There’s one moment that I recall often. I’ll never forget it. I was in my tenth-grade chemistry class, and a student stuck her head in the door to announce, “The sprinklers accidentally got left on overnight, and the field-hockey field is soaked. Practice is canceled, because if people play on the field, they’ll rip up the grass.”

I was so happy. I was jubilant! My joy and relief was so intense at the news of this respite that this moment is one of my very clearest and happiest memories of my childhood. Which is kind of sad to admit, but it’s true.

So here is my question.

Given the situation, was it a good idea for me to be on the field-hockey team? I go round and round in my thinking.

On the one hand, it’s great to be on a team. It’s great to have a reason to connect with other kids. It’s great to be outside and get exercise. It’s great to push yourself to learn even when a skill doesn’t come easily. Maybe it’s good to have to do something you’re bad at, to develop humility and empathy.

On the other hand, I really disliked playing. It was a drain on my soul to keep doing something that I was just so bad at, and disliked so much. And there’s the opportunity cost—that is, I spent very considerable time and energy on field hockey that I might have spent on something else. I will never know what that “something else” might have been.

Was it good for me to make myself do something that I really didn’t want to do? To persist, against my inclinations and aptitudes? Or would I have been better off doing something that came more naturally to me, pursuing some activity that I would have enjoyed and could have done well?

I don’t know. I can’t make up my mind. Probably it was both good and bad. Even though I can’t decide, I think it’s a useful question to keep in mind. What do you think?