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“So Many People Detract From Their Happiness By Worry About What Might Happen…and What People Think About Them.”

“So Many People Detract From Their Happiness By Worry About What Might Happen…and What People Think About Them.”


Interview: Alina Tugend.

Alina Tugend writes the biweekly ShortCuts column for the New York Times business section, and she has a great new book that just hit the shelves: Better by Mistake: The Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong.

One of my most helpful happiness-project resolutions is to Enjoy the fun of failure, and I'm very interested in how to deal with failure and mistakes in an effective and happier way. As Alina points out, although we're told that we learn from mistakes, most of us actually hate making mistakes -- but making mistakes can be an important source of creativity and improvement.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Alina: Reading. I love to escape into other worlds. Also watching Law & Order! The real ones, not spin-offs!

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
This too shall pass. If you’re feeling bad about something, it will pass. Knowing that the bad times move on, has made me much more able not to collapse in a funk when things go wrong.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Wishing things could be perfect. They can’t. If you aim for perfection, you’re going to always be disappointed.

And fretting about the future. Worrying about things that may not and often don’t happen.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
Live in the moment. It’s such a cliché, but since I’ve really started to believe it and focus on that exact moment – whether it be talking to my sons or walking outside or eating a hamburger, it’s helped me not dwell on regrets about the past or worries about the future.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I see so many people detract from their happiness by worrying about what might happen. And worrying about what people think about them. We all do this to a certain extent, the but the more we can reduce those two useless activities, the happier we can be.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes. By, as I said above, being more mindful about the moment I’m in. Appreciating what I have. Hey, I’m not always successful at that, but I try much harder. Someone once said, “Worrying isn’t preparation.” Once I figured out that worrying about something won’t prevent it from happening, I’ve been quite a bit happier.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
What I’ve learned – really learned, not just give lip service to: Emphasize efforts and deemphasize results. Good grades and awards and all things we drive ourselves crazy about are important, but if that’s all we care about, it’s empty. Taking risks means we’re going to make mistakes – and that’s okay.

* A few weeks ago, I was on a panel with the fabulous Liz Lange. She told me about the new site she's doing with her sister, Shopafrolic -- "We search. We select. You shop!" As a confirmed under-buyer, I'm not a shopper myself, but even I got a huge kick out of the site, because of the relationship between her and her sister. Beware: if you love clothes, you may spend waaaaaay too much time there.

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