Every year, millions of people set New Year’s resolutions with great hopes, and every year, most of those resolutions get abandoned–quickly. There’s even a discouraging name for it: Quitter’s Day, the second Friday in January. 

Sound uncomfortably familiar? If so, here’s a surprising (and perhaps comforting) suggestion: Maybe you should give up your resolution. Not because you’re lazy, unmotivated, or incapable, but because the resolution you’ve set might not be the right one for you.

Why do so many resolutions fail?

To stick to a resolution, we need to set ourselves up for success, which requires that we understand who we are and what we want to accomplish. It’s all too easy to set a resolution that sounds good, but doesn’t suit ourselves and our aims.

Consider these signs that your resolution might not be right for you:

1. You picked a resolution you think you should do–not one you want to do

Research suggests that when we have conflicting goals, we don’t manage ourselves well. Clarity eliminates ambiguity and internal conflict, making it easier to follow through. Ask yourself, Do I actually care about this, or do I just think I should? If your habit isn’t something you’re truly committed to changing, consider re-framing it to better align with your identity…or dropping it altogether.

Maybe you’ve resolved to start exercising because your family tells you to exercise. Maybe you’ve resolved to learn to play bridge because your friend wants to learn and play (even though, like me, you don’t really enjoy playing games). These kinds of resolutions are very hard to keep.

2. Your aim isn’t clear–you’re missing your “why”

To make sustained progress on a resolution, it helps to understand why you’re working toward it in the first place. If you’ve resolved to “Connect more with friends,” do you want time for deeper conversations? Opportunities to explore a shared interest? Do you want to make new friends or get back in touch with old friends? Your resolutions would look very different, depending on your answer.

In other words, identify the problem.

3. Your aim is too big or too vague

A resolution like “Read more” or “Get organized” is hard to measure, which makes it hard to identify progress and build momentum. Phrase your resolution with as much specificity as possible, such as “Read for 25 minutes a day” or “Declutter one closet each weekend.” 

A resolution such as “Learn Italian” is too big. Find a way to articulate an aim that’s more attainable, such as “Learn enough Italian so that I can have a basic conversation with a stranger.” Once you’ve achieved that resolution, you can raise the bar.

How to design a resolution that works for you

Rather than forcing yourself to stick with a resolution that doesn’t fit–or feeling guilty about failing it–give yourself permission to let it go.

Instead, focus your energy on setting aims that are actually sustainable. Here’s how:

Know yourself. Understanding how you work best is key. Do you need external accountability? (So many people do!) Do you prefer small steps or big, intense efforts? Are you someone like me, who–perhaps counter-intuitively–finds it easy to keep a resolution every day rather than some days?

Get specific. Define clear steps: “Connect with one friend a day” is easier to track than “Get better about staying in touch.” Also, resist the temptation to set super-ambitious aims; instead, be realistic about what you’re asking of yourself. As Napoleon observed, “To impose excessively harsh conditions on someone [including yourself] is to exempt them from fulfilling them.”

Expect and plan for missteps. A stumble isn’t a failure–we’re all human. If something isn’t working, adjust and move forward instead of quitting completely. Research shows that people who show compassion for themselves when they mess up are more likely to try again with a resolution than are people who are very harsh on themselves.

Use “if-then” planning and the Strategy of Safeguards to help you deal with challenging situations.

I often recall the words of one of my favorite proverbs: “A stumble may prevent a fall.”

Determination Day

I love to use the calendar as a catalyst for reflection. (If you want to see my Calendar of Catalysts, with dates such as Halfway Day and March Forth, it’s here).

In 2022, I created Determination Day on February 28, as a date to remind us to reflect on our aims.

If your New Year’s resolution isn’t working, February 28 is a time to change it, replace it, or even let it go in favor of an aim that’s truly right for you.

Need help figuring out your next step? Take the “Habits for Happiness” Quiz to get a personalized answer to the question, “What habit should I tackle to give me the biggest happiness boost?”

Remember, there’s no one right way to build a habit–only the way that’s right for you. It’s one of my Secrets of Adulthood: “The bird, the bee, and the bat all fly, but they use different wings.”