Update

Elizabeth and I have both joined Threads. Follow us there @gretchenrubin and @lizcraft.

Very Special Episode: Regrets

Negative emotions can be of great service to happiness. They’re loud, flashy signs that something isn’t right.

So we decided to have a discussion about about regret.

From listeners’ comments, it’s clear that some people choose not to use the word “regret.” If it’s more helpful, frame as this discussion as “insights from experience” or “lessons learned the hard way.”

Reflecting on regrets can help us make better decisions. By anticipating future regret, we can make better choices in the present, and by by reflecting on past regret, we can think about how to do better moving forward.

We mention a few books and articles:

• the blog post “Regrets of the Dying” by Bronnie Ware
• the book The Power of Regret by Dan Pink (Amazon, Bookshop) 
• my book Better Than Before, about habit change

We discuss many of our own regrets, and also share many regrets from listeners. We can learn from ourselves and from others’ regrets.

It’s important to have compassion for ourselves as we think about regrets—we were probably doing the best that we could, given the circumstances. Self-compassion helps us to stay open to the lessons of regret.

And remember the “but”: I regret my bad marriage, but I have my children; I regret taking that job, but I met my sweetheart.

Resources

I can’t wait to do a fireside chat with Meha Agrawal, founder and CEO of Silk and Sonder, a self-care monthly planner and journal subscription company. We’ll talk about the new Five-Senses Journal and how it can be a tool to help you become happier, more creative, more productive, as well as where senses fit into self-care. We’ll also walk participants through an exercise in creating their own “Five-Senses portrait.” Sign up here to join us on on July 27th at 5:30 PT / 8:30 ET. 

What We’re Reading

• Elizabeth: Still reading The Lying Game by Ruth Ware
• Gretchen:
  

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[Music]

Gretchen

Hello and welcome to a Happier, a podcast where we talk about ideas and strategies for making our lives happier, healthier, more productive and more creative. This week is a very special episode. Every 10th episode is a very special episode, and this week we will talk about regret., Our regrets, our listeners regrets and why thinking about regret can help us make our lives happier.

Gretchen

I’m Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, The Five Senses, Human Nature. I am in a cobbled together kind of fakey studio outside of New York City today. And joining me from L.A. is my sister Elizabeth Craft. And Elizabeth, I will see you soon in Kansas City.

Elizabeth

Yes, that’s me. Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in L.A. And Gretchen can already taste the Winstead’s burger.

Gretchen

Oh, day one, you know it. Before we jump in, we wanted to say that we are both on Threads, we’re both having a lot of fun on Threads, so join us there if you want. I am @Gretchenrubin. That’s my handle for all social media. And Elizabeth years is out. @Lizcraft, right? Correct. That’s right. Excellent. So join us on Threads.

Gretchen

We’re really enjoying the conversation there. We do not regret joining threads, but this episode we are going to focus on the subject of regret.

Elizabeth

And Gretch, why is regret something that could actually make us happier?

Gretchen

Right. So you think of regret as being a negative emotion, but negative emotions actually have a very important role to play in a happy life. Often they’re a big flashing sign that something isn’t right, and because they’re unpleasant, they can sometimes help us take action for artists to make change when nothing else can. I know for me, for instance, the negative emotion of envy was really helpful when I was thinking about switching from law to writing because I thought, well, I feel sort of a mild interest when people get great law jobs.

Gretchen

But then I thought of people who were writers. I was so envious and that helped me see what it was that I really wanted. So reflecting on our regrets can help us to figure out how to set up our lives to be happier. Yeah.

Elizabeth

So we’re talking about regret, which is when we feel sad, disappointed or repentant about something that we did or didn’t do in the past. Regrets. It’s interesting because from listeners comments, it’s clear that some people choose not to use the word regret. Yes, they emphasize that they’ve done the best they could do at a certain time, and they need to move on and not regret.

Elizabeth

We heard that from a bunch of people.

Gretchen

Yeah, right. So they don’t like thinking about it in terms of regret and loss. Look, vocabulary is really important. If you don’t like thinking about the past in terms of regret, maybe you want to frame it as what are my insights from experience or what lessons have I learned the hard way? But it’s just the idea that looking back on the past and thinking about what we did or didn’t do, can we use that reflection to help us become happier by making better decisions?

Gretchen

So one way it can help us make better choices is if we anticipate things that we might regret in the future. So we think about, okay, how is my future self going to feel about what I’m doing now that can help us make better choices in the present? Or if we’re thinking about past regret, which I think is more typical, we can think about, okay, given that I regret lessons that I learn from the past, what might I change or do differently moving forward?

Elizabeth

And then we can also learn from other people’s regrets, right?

Gretchen

We can think about our own regrets. But then when other people tell us their regrets, that can be very helpful. Just as a small example, Elizabeth, you know this because I talk about it all the time is years ago, before I even was married, an older friend said to me, well, you know, one thing I really regret is that I didn’t have professional photographs taken when my children were really young.

Gretchen

And for whatever reason, this made a huge impression on me. And I have really done that. When I had newborns with Eliza and Eleanor, and then also throughout their childhood years, I’ve made sure to have regular professional photos taken. We feel like we’re taking photographs all the time, but in the end, it’s not the same as having like an actual good lighting and great paper and, you know, somebody who really knows that and quite confident.

Gretchen

It would never have occurred to me to anticipate my future self and how I would think does that really cross my mind as a consideration. But just her offhand comment really led to quite a significant effort on my part throughout the years that I’m really happy about.

Elizabeth

Yeah, well, Gretch, I’m in a state of both reflecting on past regret and acting and anticipating future regret and acting. I’m sandwiched, Yeah, because, you know, Sarah, my writing partner and I and co-host of Happier and Hollywood, we’re on strike with the Writers Guild of America. Yeah. And we’ve been through a strike before. In 2007, we were on strike, Right.

Elizabeth

And we really regretted not using that time more thoughtfully. I guess I would say we just we didn’t do any of our own work during that time, and we really regretted it because, you know, that’s five months down the drain. So this time we decided, okay, let’s looking at this strike that was impending, we said, let’s make sure we use the time that we’re on strike so that we’re not in addition to picketing.

Elizabeth

We’re also doing something for ourselves, which is how we came to work on our novel, which we are writing, right? But if anyone’s interested in our process or anything about our novel, we talk a lot about it on Happier in Hollywood. So that again, is a case where that regret then led to us. Now, hopefully not having a regret and doing something good, right?

Gretchen

I like the regret sandwich where it’s like I’m thinking about past regret and if you get to the end of the strike and nothing’s happened, you’re like, We know that we will feel that way. Yes. And so that’s leading you to take action. So that’s a perfect example of how the pain of regret actually is leading you to do something that’s very positive.

Gretchen

One thing that comes up over and over in our conversations about happiness is that we all have to figure it out for ourselves. There’s no magic, one size fits all solution, and you can’t think about your life in terms of what’s the best way or what’s the right way. And for regret, it’s going to look different for different people.

Gretchen

I can easily imagine someone thinking, Wow, I really regret that I spent too much time hanging out with my friends, goofing off, messing around, and I just didn’t work harder. And I can easily imagine someone thinking, Wow, I really regret that I worked so hard. I put in so many hours. I was exhausted when I wasn’t working and I really didn’t make plans.

Gretchen

And I really regret that I didn’t spend more time with my friends. Both things can be true. It could even be true that both things are true for the same person at different times in their lives. But whatever we realize now can help us set ourselves up for more happiness in the future by realizing lessons that we’ve learned from experience.

Elizabeth

So Gretch, before we jump into our regrets and listeners regrets, what are some frameworks by people who have thought a lot about this? Because that can be helpful.

Gretchen

Yeah, no, it’s good to just think of different categories of people who set out well, one and this every once in a while goes all over the Internet. So I’m sure many, many people have seen this. It started out as a blog post and then it turned out as a book by Bronnie Ware, it’s called Regrets of the Dying, and it was inspired by her work in palliative care.

Gretchen

So according to Bronnie Ware the most common regrets of the dying were, I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends and I wish that I let myself be happier.

Gretchen

Oh, interesting.

Elizabeth

Yeah, really interesting. It’s interesting. You have to let yourself be happy. I can relate to that.

Gretchen

There’s a lot in there. And these ideas. It’s interesting. Dan Pink, who’s a very thoughtful writer who wrote a really excellent book, that if you’re interested in regret, I highly recommend called The Power of Regret, where he talks all about different aspects of regret. He makes a few points that are helpful if you’re just trying to sort of in your mind, figure out how to think about it.

Gretchen

And I think that one of the most useful things that he points out is that there are regrets of action and regrets of inaction.

Elizabeth

So what are examples.

Gretchen

Of regrets of action or something like you lost your temper, you blew up at somebody, you did something, or their regrets of inaction, which is something like I didn’t work very hard in college. And what he points out is that we tend to have more regret for the things we don’t do. Which reminds me, you know, I love a proverb and one of my favorite traditional proverbs is that it is more painful to do nothing than to do something.

Gretchen

And that’s what Dan Pink’s research suggests.

Elizabeth

Well, then that makes sense, Gretch, because we learn from mistakes. So if you did something and it was a mistake, at least you can learn from it. Whereas I think if you didn’t do something, it’s harder to feel like you learn from it, right? And it’s more of just a regret.

Gretchen

Inaction can kind of haunt us. The road not taken. And here’s an example of how I benefited from this in my own life, my own regrets. So when I was in college, I didn’t no extracurricular activities none. And by the time college was over, I really wish that I had been more involved. And after college, I felt like I missed opportunities to do fun things and to engage more deeply with people and with the school and to learn about something.

Gretchen

So that was something that I really, really regretted. So a couple of years go by when I did this and that, and then I went to law school, and the regret that I had acknowledged to myself that I felt about college really fueled me to push myself to do activities in law school like Barristers’ Union and the Law Journal, which, by the way, especially the Law Journal, ended up being huge engines of happiness for me.

Gretchen

But I think if I had not consciously acknowledged my regret for what I did in college, I wouldn’t have known to do something different in law school because the things that made me not want to do the things in college were still true for me. In law school, I had to really be like, Hey Gretchen, learn the lesson from experience, do things different.

Gretchen

Yes.

Elizabeth

And I have to point out as your sister, that you ended up being the editor in chief of the Yale Law Journal, Goldstar for that.

Gretchen

Which was one of the best experiences of my life. So ended up being very, very important. This is a place side note, in terms of regrets, I think this is a place where parents can play a bad role out of love, out of love. As parents, we don’t want to see our children struggle or fail or be disappointed or be at risk in any way.

Gretchen

So we may urge them not to pursue something that to us feels like a risky path. But then they wonder about it forever. Right? I remember switching to writing back to my own experience. I remember at a certain point I was like, Well, now I’d rather fail as a writer than succeed as a lawyer. And so I need to take my shot.

Gretchen

Our parents were very supportive of that, but I can imagine some parents being like, don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it. And then I might have always thought like this was like my road not taken. This is where, let people decide their own roads. If you intervene too much in that, you might set the stage for regret.

Elizabeth

Absolutely. And then, Gretchen, before we get to our regrets, Dan Pink divides major regrets into four categories. So there’s foundation regret, which is like if only I had done the work to quit smoking, to study harder, had saved more. Yeah, things would have been different.

Gretchen

This is the kind of thing that when I was writing better than before, I saw often because often foundation regrets are regrets related to habits.

Elizabeth

And then boldness. If only I had taken the risks.

Gretchen

Right? This is like I wish I had said how I felt to somebody are taking chances. This is something that’s very pertinent to me. I think as an upholder, I often have regrets of boldness. So this is something that I’m going to focus on more in the future, making sure that I’m not hanging back from taking risks or making.

Elizabeth

Mistakes and then moral, which is if only I had done the right thing.

Gretchen

Very, very painful kind of regret looking back and realizing that we did not make the moral choice.

Elizabeth

And then finally, connection. If only I’d reached out.

Gretchen

I bet that’s one of the most common ones, right?

Elizabeth

Yes, for sure. Although I think all of these we probably all have regrets in all of these categories.

Gretchen

Yes, I say absolutely.

Elizabeth

Yeah. All right, Gretch. Coming up, we’re going to share some of our regrets and listener regrets. But first, this break.

[Music]

Gretchen

Okay, Elizabeth, we’re talking about regrets, big and small, anticipatory regrets, past regrets. What are some of the things you regret if you consider your own life?

Elizabeth

Well, one regret I have, Gretchen, which is funny. You mentioned extracurriculars in college. One of my regrets relates to Jack’s grade school, which is I regret that I didn’t participate more. I volunteered in the volunteer slots, but I didn’t do committees or get to know other parents there through working at school. And I think it would have connected me to a lot more parents.

Elizabeth

I mean, as you know, I have a lot of connections with parents, but then I would have met the different grades. I know everyone in our grade. I think I just I would have enjoyed that. I love meetings and talking to people. Yeah, I felt shy about it. And then, of course, there’s always work to deal with as well.

Elizabeth

But that’s just kind of a regret that I have right now. Like a current, Right? Right.

Gretchen

Well, I have sort of a related regret, and this is because now that Eliza and Eleanor both graduated from high school, I realized that I regret that I didn’t think about their school years in terms of my experience because I saw them as like, this is their experience, this is their thing, and I’m a supporting bit player in their drama.

Gretchen

Instead of saying I have a role, my role is as a parent who has a child in grade school or high school or whatever, and I don’t know why I think that would have made a difference in how I approached it, but I think I would have felt like it should play a more central role and maybe it would have led me to do the kind of thing that you’re saying, which is volunteer for a committee or something, because I just saw it as very much their thing that I was hanging on to rather than something that was central to me.

Elizabeth

And Gretch, there are those small regrets, but that just nag you. Yeah. For instance, I regret that I haven’t gone to more concerts in life, but specifically Adam and I almost went to see Tom Petty at the Hollywood Bowl. I saw, Oh, Tom Petty’s playing tonight. There’s still tickets. We could go. We both love Tom Petty, and then we just inertia got the best of us, and we just didn’t deal with it.

Elizabeth

And he died like two days later. It was his last concert, and I never ended up seeing him live. And it just still to this day, I’m like, Why didn’t we go to that Tom Petty concert? Right? And it just bothers me on a regular basis. So I should use that to go to concerts rather than just, Yes, regret that I haven’t I should say, okay, let me go see Paul McCartney, Let me go see these people.

Elizabeth

But it’s just funny how a little thing like that can stay with you.

Gretchen

Yes. Right. But it’s like, okay, if I feel that inertia kicking in and dissuading again something get the anticipatory regret, think about the future self and be like, okay, you don’t want to be in that situation again. That’s a really think I have a regret that we didn’t get a dog sitter. Both Eliza and Eleanor really wanted to get a dog and I was the holdout.

Gretchen

Jamie was very amenable to it. He wasn’t pro particularly though. Now he is the biggest proponent of having a dog. If he was like, Sure, fine. It was a whole process which I talked about on the podcast for a long time. And then the minute we got a dog, I was like, Oh, we should have gotten a dog long ago.

Gretchen

It added so much happiness to our family. So I do wish that I and the thing is, all the happiness research said that, so I was like all the people I should have known better. And we loved our dog growing up. So I had every reason to to do it anyway. Oh, speaking of regrets, here’s another regret that I have.

Gretchen

And this is a regret I’m telling Eliza and Eleanor, because there’s like a young person regret, which is I have messy systems, the way I do my passwords, the way accounts are set up, the way I’ve name my word documents is just messy. I wish I had a clean system, but now I’ve been doing it for so long it feels like it’s one of these things.

Gretchen

You’re like, I wish you started out thoughtfully. So I’m just like, you know what? Come out with a convention and stick to it or whatever. Again, that’s a small thing.

Elizabeth

But yes, there’s a new category of regret that you and I are coming up with, which is regrets about not setting the stage. Yes, we’re saying traditions years go by and you realize you don’t have a tradition for something. Yeah. So we’re suggesting people think about what traditions they’ll regret not having. For instance, I regret that I didn’t start an annual tradition of a weekend with my college friends.

Elizabeth

Yes. Because years go by and I don’t see them and I miss them. And it really bothers me that I don’t see them. But we don’t have the set thing in place. Right. But if we’d always seen each other every October, if it was certain day, then yeah, we’d still be doing it.

Gretchen

Well, and this is like my family on the 4th of July. But growing up, our mother’s birthday is the 4th of July, so it was always like birthday, 4th of July, sort of like this thing. But then with my family, the 4th of July is a great minor holiday. There’s so much fun that you could do. And I was always like, We should come up with that tradition.

Gretchen

But now it seems like, Oh, okay, maybe we just.

Elizabeth

Missed number one. Yeah.

Gretchen

So one thing to think about is in terms of anticipatory regret, especially if you’re going through a transition, is to think about what will you wish that you have had?

Elizabeth

Yes. And then it seems like there’s a slightly different kind of regret, like a wistful regret. Yeah. So maybe it’s something that’s not really realistic given the kind of person you were, but still you wish it could have been a reality. That’s the road not taken.

Gretchen

Yeah, like I, my wistful regret is that I wish I’d known that I wanted to be a writer in college. If I’d known that I was going to be a writer. There’s so many things I would have done differently. But looking back on college, I understand why I didn’t at that time understand it, and I’m really glad that I went to law school.

Gretchen

So but it is one of these things like sometimes wistfully, I think, Oh wow, I really wish I’d gone through college thinking of myself as a writer in training. How about you Elizabeth, do you have a wistful regret?

Elizabeth

Well, I guess I do, and it’s kind of the opposite, but not which is as a TV writer. I always say that I wish I’d gone to business school not to be a business person, but to understand the entertainment business. I feel like I’d be so much better off if I had a solid understanding of business. However, it’s probably the case that if I did go to business school, I wouldn’t have ended up being a TV writer, so I probably would have gone into business.

Elizabeth

So it’s a wistful regret. It’s like, you know, I wish both things could be true, that I was a TV writer and that I’d gone to business school.

Gretchen

Right. Well, it’s interesting.

Elizabeth

Okay, Gretch. Coming up, we are going to hear from our listeners about their regrets. But first, this break.

[Music]

Gretchen

We heard from so many listeners. It was absolutely fascinating to read about people’s different experiences and reflections. We will try to go through as many as we can because we can all learn from each other. Often we really can learn from learning about other people’s regrets.

Elizabeth

Jen said, I didn’t go to my best friend’s wedding. It was a destination wedding right after the holidays. At the time I’d started a new job, didn’t have the time off and didn’t really have the money. Of course she understood if I had somehow known she would only live three and a half more years, I would have figured out a way to make it happen.

Elizabeth

It was a hard way to learn the importance of showing up for the people you love. Yeah, that’s a painful one.

Gretchen

That’s. Yeah, Sherrie said. I regret every single time I worried about the opinions of others. And a lot, a lot of my decision making to be based on them. Sadly, I didn’t break free of this people pleasing until I was in my fifties. So the list of wondering what could have been is huge, right? So that’s the regret of inaction.

Elizabeth

Kristin says, I regret moving away from my home state, Nebraska. Life happens and you get married, buy a house, have a kid, etc. and before you know it, you’re rooted and it’s impossible to move back. I miss the people the most. I’m not unhappy in where I live now or situation, but I certainly regret thinking there was something better out there because I do miss my extended family and cornfields are calming to me too.

Elizabeth

Yeah, definitely. Lee A learned lesson in appreciation. But it’s interesting grads, because you could see someone having the opposite regret as well. They regret that they didn’t move away from their home state. So again, the individual.

Gretchen

But then I will say that our parents, one of their pieces of advice is like, get where you’re going as young people. You often move, move, move. But then at a certain point you stop moving. And so so I remember when Jamie and I were in D.C., they were like, just think about the fact if you want to end up in New York City, remember to move there.

Gretchen

Which is funny. It’s all very obvious. But yeah, you do get stuck. Marlene said, My one regret is that I didn’t follow my heart and mind and prepare myself for a career I believe I would have enjoyed and learned skills that I would have been good at. Jobs is also the in action.

Elizabeth

Yeah, Danielle said. I regret not making that phone call. I wanted to when I sensed something was not right, it probably would not have changed the outcome or maybe it would have just delayed it. But I could have maybe had one more conversation. I regret not saying I love you more to people or how much they mean/ meant to me.

Elizabeth

That’s something I can and have changed.

Gretchen

Daniel says I regret not flying home sooner, when my dad was sick, he passed a few hours before I arrived and I haven’t been able to forgive myself, especially since the same thing happened when my mom passed. And that’s hard.

Elizabeth

Those are hard, Ireland says. I regret not asking about anxiety medication sooner. I white knuckled my way through years of panic attacks because I was afraid, and I distinctly remember articulating my fear to myself this way. If I had to tell my doctor what I was feeling, I’d start crying and never stop. As soon as the medication kicked in, it was like the sun came up in my brain.

Elizabeth

All those years I thought I was high strung. When I’m actually super laid back.

Gretchen

On the subject of the term regret, Joanne wrote, I like to think of regret as I wish I had. It sounds less harsh, and when I say that I wish I had. I like to add. Okay, so what now is the plan? It may not look like the original plan from oh, so many years ago, but it can be exactly what I need now.

Gretchen

That’s helpful.

Elizabeth

Yes. Jennifer said I regret working one minute over 40 hours in a week at a corporate job or any job that isn’t my own business. The only reward for hard work is more work in that culture. A lot of people are feeling that right now.

Gretchen

Abby said, I have one regret. In 1997, Garth Brooks gave a free concert in Central Park. Now iconic. 1 million people attended. Epic. I did not attempt to go because the logistics were challenging. I was living in New York City. Why? Oh, why? What was I thinking? I’m disappointed in myself. Well, is it? This sounds very much like you’re your Tom Petty.

Gretchen

Maybe it’s good to know you’re not the only one.

Elizabeth

Caroline says most of my regrets center around raising my son. But he grew up to be a fine man. The one that lingers is not getting to know my mother better. She was 65 when she died and I was 31. We never got to have those long talks that usually come when parents are elderly. P.S. I am now elderly so I know where of I speak.

Gretchen

Kelly said I regret I wasn’t braver when I was young. It kept me from going places, speaking up, trying things, traveling, etc.. I wish I had more courage to just do and.

Elizabeth

Be, Bren said. Marrying a man I and everyone else knew was wrong for me. I bet there are a lot of regrets in that category.

Gretchen

Yeah. Yeah. Well, in something not quite such a deep note, Tracy said I regret not wearing sunscreen in my twenties. Mind you, the range and quality back in the eighties was nothing compared to what it is today now.

Elizabeth

Janice said I regret quitting the violin when I was a teenager. I have started to learn to play again 20 years later, so she did something about it.

Gretchen

Alison said. I regret every time I chose not to speak up for the weak. So this is the moral regret that we were talking about in the framework.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth says, I regret not being there more for my sons when they were growing up. I regret not finishing college when I was young, so I had to go back to school. When my youngest son was in high school. I was a single mom, so he spent way too many evenings home alone and ended up getting in with the wrong crowd.

Elizabeth

He finally got his act together in his late twenties, but I always wonder how it would have been if I had been home at night when he was a teen. That’s hard. Yeah.

Gretchen

Laurie writes, I regret not going to my senior prom. I was asked by a friend, but because it wasn’t a boy I had a crush on, I said no. Had I gone with my friend, we would probably gone with a big group of friends and had a great time. Again, this is a good one to learn from the future.

Elizabeth

Rebecca Anne says, I regret not pursuing my professional career, starting with taking it more seriously as a college student. I went to art school. Regret number one. Married a marine, zero regrets, and was very happy to follow him around the world. I’ve done a lot that I wouldn’t have been able to do. Not well anyway, if I had been working through it all.

Elizabeth

But now that he is retired, I feel I have very little to offer. The kids are growing up and won’t need me much soon. And now I have been out of the professional world so long that I’m really intimidated by how much things have changed. It’s affecting my self-esteem in ways I never anticipated.

Gretchen

This is this is complex. There’s a lot of good there’s a lot of bad. There’s consequences. You didn’t anticipate. I mean, thought provoking.

Elizabeth

Yeah. And this is where you can make changes. Now, that will ten years from now, things may look very different.

Gretchen

Exactly. Exactly. Elizabeth said, I wish I had taken the basketball course in college, taught by the legendary IU coach Bob Knight. I was on the school paper and would have had a hell of an article. Amazing stories to tell decades later and more knowledge of a game I love, Robin said.

Elizabeth

I regret allowing people to think I was a doormat for too long. I wasn’t. I just did not have the tools to set boundaries or know how to speak up for myself effectively.

Gretchen

Amber says the only regret smoking. Every other action or decision led to places where there has been at least one positive along the way, Betsy said.

Elizabeth

Not writing a journal in my whole life, I’ve forgotten too many memories. Well, Gretchen, she should get the one sentence journal and start keeping a journal.

Gretchen

If it’s hard to keep a hold on, one sentence is enough. Yeah. I’ll post a link in the show notes to the shop. Or you can go to happiercast.com/shop. Of course, Judy said, I regret not applying for funding for my Ph.D. after I wasn’t successful the first time. I still got my Ph.D., but had to work part time and was never part of the academic community.

Gretchen

Friends of mine applied three years in a row before they got funding in the humanities.

Elizabeth

Lou said, I only really have two that irk me. Giving up dance and watching someone be bullied at school and being too scared to speak up. A lot of people regret not standing up to bullies.

Gretchen

Amy says, not wanting a sequined pillow of Danny DeVito space at the Goodwill when I saw it.

Elizabeth

Okay, that’s.

Gretchen

The next time you see that sequined fellow, you will jump. Yes.

Elizabeth

Kim said, not finding cute and comfortable shoes earlier in life.

Gretchen

Court says not getting a therapist at age 20, 25 years ago.

Elizabeth

And Dominique says, The way I treated people in high school, I was so focused on being a cool kid.

Gretchen

Well, it’s fascinating to hear about people’s regrets. I think we can all learn from each other. One thing that is really worth keeping in mind is that we want to show compassion for ourselves when we think about regrets. Partly so that we can stay open to the lessons of regret. It’s too painful. You’re not going to think about it.

00:28:28:17 – 00:28:39:22

Gretchen

And, you know, the thing is, most of us are doing the best that we can at the time. So it means we should be compassionate. But then can we learn also to do things in a different way in the future?

Elizabeth

And then also remind yourself of the but like I regret my bad marriage, somebody might say, but I have my children or I regret taking that job. But I met my sweetheart there.

Gretchen

So a lot of times good things are part of things that we regret. And so there’s value there. Yeah. So let us know how reflecting on regret helps you think of ways to make your life happier. This is such a thought provoking conversation. We just pored over what listeners wrote in. Let us know on Instagram, Tik Tok, Twitter, Facebook, Threads.

Gretchen

Drop us an email at podcast@gretchenrubin.com. Or as always, you can go to the show notes. This is happiercast.com/440 for everything related to this episode. The resources for this week. I cannot wait to do a fireside chat with Meha Agrawal, who is founder and CEO of Silk and Sonder. That is a self-care monthly planner and journal subscription company.

Gretchen

So we’re going to be talking about my new Five Senses journal and how we can use it to make ourselves happier, more creative, more productive, and how the senses can fit into self-care. And we will be walking participants through an exercise in creating their own five senses. Portrait, which is one of my favorite exercises. So much fun to do a Five Senses portrait that is July 27th, 2023 at 5:30pm Pacific, 8:30pm Eastern, sign up to attend and happiercast.com/firesidechats.

Gretchen

And that’s all one word fireside chat. I hope to see you there.

Elizabeth

Yay!

Gretchen

And Elizabeth, what are we reading?

Elizabeth

I am still reading the Lying Game by Ruth Ware and.

Gretchen

I am still rereading Story of a Soul by St. Therese of Lisieux. And that is it for this episode of Happier. Remember, reflect on your regrets. Let us know your insights and observations.

Elizabeth

Thank you to our executive producer Chuck Reed and everyone at Cadence 13. Get in touch. Gretchen’s on Instagram and Tik Tok and Threads at Gretchen Rubin and I’m on Instagram and threads at Liz Craft. Our email address is podcast@gretchenrubin.com.

Gretchen

One thing that you will not regret, you will not regret rating or reviewing are following our show. We will certainly appreciate it very much.

Elizabeth

Until next week. I’m Elizabeth Craft.

Gretchen

And I’m Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward. Elizabeth, there’s a regret I forgot to mention about my book Better than Before.

Elizabeth

What is it? 

Gretchen

So, I liked the title Better than Before. But when I was working on it and trying to come up with the title, Mom said, why don’t you call it the habit of habits? And the minute she said it, I was like, Oh my gosh, that is the greatest title. And I and I thought that it was right.

Gretchen

And kind of along the way, people dissuaded me from it and they were like, It’s not the habit of habits, it’s the habits of habit. And it just got lost in the shuffle. And I really do think that would have been a stronger title because people would have just known what the book was about. Just from the title Alone.

Elizabeth

Yeah.

Gretchen

Than Before is like it’s, it’s a good thing to do better than before, but it’s a little.

Elizabeth

But it doesn’t tell you.

Gretchen

Right. It can be a novel. I think it was because Mom just said it. I was like, could it be this easy? I counted it and I should have trusted that feeling that I got of rightness. When she said, I remember exactly where we were sitting in the kitchen, I was I can see her sitting there and saying it, but I learned.

Elizabeth

Your next book about habits can be called that.

Gretchen

Yeah, that’s exactly. 

[Music]

From the onward project.