I love paradoxes, koans, fables, aphorisms, and teaching stories of all kind, and for years, I’ve been working on a little book that I’m calling Secrets of Adulthood that will hit the shelves in April. These are the lessons I’ve learned, with time and experience—usually the hard way.

For instance, one of my Secrets of Adulthood is “Learning when, how, and if we wish to conform is one of the most important achievements of childhood.”

When I was reflecting on that secret of adulthood, and thinking about the topic of conformity and non-conformity, I was often reminded of a passage from a novel by Scarlett Thomas, a writer whose work I love.

In her novel PopCo (Amazon, Bookshop) (one of my favorites of her novels), the main character, Alice, comments on her experience at work, at a company called PopCo. PopCo is a globally successful, and also slightly sinister, toy company.

Alice, who is a brilliant, eccentric, and thoughtful person, reflects on a paradox of conformity:

With the people at PopCo there is a dilemma. If you dress like them, you fit in. If you dress in an opposite way to them, or in things so ridiculous they would never consider wearing them, you are cool, daring and an individual—and therefore you fit in. My constant conundrum: how do you identify yourself as someone who doesn’t fit in when everything you could possibly do demarcates you as someone who does?

It is indeed a conundrum. How do you stand out when standing out is the very best way to fit in?