One of the best – and most important – skills we can learn are the tools of great communication. Communication is vital to our relationships, our work – and our health, where connection with other people has enormous benefits.

We are currently living in a golden age of understanding the science of communication, thanks to advances in neural imaging. And that research has shown that nearly every conversation is actually comprised of different kinds conversations, most of which fall into one of three buckets:

1. There is a practical conversation, where we are discussing What’s This Really About?, and the goal is to discover what each person wants out of this discussion.

2. There is an emotional conversation, or How Do We Feel?, where the aim is to recognize – and reciprocate – vulnerability.

3. And there is a social conversation, Who Are We?, where each person explains how their background – where they grew up, or where they work or went to school, or how they worship or are friends with, or how they see themselves – influences they ways they listen and speak.

Here’s the big insight: If you don’t know what kind of conversation is occurring, you’re unlikely to connect. This is known as the Matching Principle of Communication.

And each kind of conversation functions by slightly different rules: 

In a practical conversation, there’s a ‘quiet negotiation’, with a goal of determining what everyone wants. We serve ourselves best by conducting experiments – introducing new topics to see if others are interested; telling a joke to see if anyone laughs – and then paying attention to how others react.

In an emotional conversation, if we ask ‘deep questions’ – which inquire about someone’s values, beliefs, or experiences – we’re likely to elicit vulnerability. And when we reciprocate that vulnerability, we engender a sense of trust and closeness.

In a social conversation, it is important to acknowledge differences as much as our similarities. When we show that we hear how someone’s background, or social group, or identity has influenced their life, they feel like they can be more honest – and vice versa. When we reveal aspects of our own backgrounds, we feel connected when our companions prove they have heard us. 

Most important of all: Anyone can become a super communicator. This is not an inborn skill, or something available only to extroverts, or leaders, or a select group. Rather, it is a set of tools that we have all evolved to use. Most of us have moments of super communication throughout our lives. These tools can help us tap into our listening and speaking instincts more easily.