Update
We mention the Five-Senses Journal and the Memento Keepsake Journal.
We also mention the free, quick “Four Tendencies” quiz: Are you an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel?
Try This at Home
Take over a task that someone else idiosyncratically really dislikes doing.
Happiness Hack
Check the expiration date on your passports!
Happiness Stumbling Block
Before a special occasion or high-stakes event, don’t try, use, or do something for the first time.
Listener Question
A listener asks about how to handle a situation where a host always asks guests to bring food and drink.
Demerits & Gold Stars
Elizabeth’s Demerit: All summer, she’s been touting the value of staying connected through social media, but she hasn’t been doing a good job of that herself.
Gretchen’s Gold Star: I give a gold star to all the readers and listeners who have been writing to me about their adventures in five senses. I mention the “What’s Your Neglected Sense?” quiz.
Resource
If you’ve recently read Life in Five Senses or one of my other books, and want to personalize your copy or give one of my books as a gift, request a signed bookplate. U.S. and Canada only, unfortunately.
What We’re Reading
442
[Music]
Gretchen
Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about how to be happier. This week we’ll talk about why you might do the task that someone else idiosyncratically really does not want to do. And we’ll talk about a happiness stumbling block that’s surprisingly easy to trip over. I’m Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, the five senses, human nature.
Gretchen
Usually I’m in New York City, but today I’m in Kansas City. I am standing in my parents’ laundry room. And joining me today from my parents’ kitchen in Kansas City is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. My sister, the picketer.
Elizabeth
That’s me. Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in L.A. But right now, yes, Gretch we are in KC. I still am getting over my cold, so excuse my voice.
Gretchen
Before we launch in, we got a few emails from listeners related to the five senses. So fun to see these emails.
Elizabeth
Amanda says, My family of five just got back from an extended vacation in Europe. The trip was recreating a trip that my husband took as a child and he had the idea and the airport on the way to get the kids ages 11, 15 and 17 each a journal to keep each night on vacation. We had been discussing the five senses over dinner before we left, and the kids had the idea to make a list of what they had experienced each day in each of the senses while we were on the trip.
Elizabeth
This really added to our vacation experience when we were walking to Florence with all the leather stores. One kid would say, That’s going to be my smell for today, leather. And the other would chime in with what? There would be no way mine is cigarette smoke. They were pretty consistent about recording each sense, each night of the vacation.
Elizabeth
The journal itself will be a wonderful keepsake, but talking about it each day really added to the vacation itself too.
Gretchen
Well, this is so fun. It’s a great way to have a family task. And if you want to really do this as a way to keep it as a keepsake, you can use the five senses Journal or the Memento Journal. If you go to happiercast.com/shop, you can see about those. But I love the idea of really capturing the experience of a significant trip and a period of our lives by writing down the five senses experiences every day, and then using that as a way to reminisce and to bring back that time.
Elizabeth
Yes, Sarah said I run a remote team of people for a food software company. Two obligers, two upholders, one questioner, and your tendency work has been integral in our team’s practice of operational empathy. I can see my team, myself included, often stuck in our own heads. It is part of the nature of remote work. I think I’m going to add a five senses stand up for a Friday team activity.
Elizabeth
Everyone list out one notable or interesting or boring but noticed element for each of the five senses they experience that week. I think they would enjoy sharing their answers and it might help get them back into their bodies a bit. Perhaps that could lead to more self-care and better wellbeing.
Gretchen
I love this idea of using the five senses and the four tendencies. Again, if you don’t know what the four tendencies are, you can take the quiz and find out if you’re an upholder, questioner, obliger, rebel, gretchenrubin.com/quiz. But I love this as a way to connect with people. I think now that so many people are working remotely, we’re looking for ways to connect in a way that feels immersive and concrete.
Gretchen
And this is just a really brilliant way to do it. I love this.
Elizabeth
Yes.
Gretchen
And finally, it’s hard to believe, but we are heading into the last part of summer for both of us. Labor Day marks the return to the usual post summer routine. So we have a question for you listeners. Are there any small things, any traditions, anything you do to return to the usual routine to make life easier or more pleasant?
Gretchen
September is the other January. What are your traditions related to that and also related to happier Labor Day for our next episode, we’re going to do something that we have never done before. It’s going to be really fun. So that is just a little a little teaser for something that we’re going to do next week.
Elizabeth
Can’t wait.
Gretchen
So this week our Try this at Home tip is to take over a task that someone else really does not like to do.
Elizabeth
I like the sound of that, especially if I’m the person who I’m getting my tasks taken over for.
Gretchen
Well, sadly, the only person we can change is ourselves. And the only person we can control is. So this is something that you do for other people, but maybe you will inspire them to do it for you. But here’s the thing. You know how you just sometimes idiosyncratically. We really dislike doing something. It’s not that it’s a big deal.
Gretchen
Other people don’t think it’s a big deal, but for you, it just feels just you just want it super disagreeable. I have a friend who just really doesn’t like to unload the dishwasher for whatever reason. This is just a task she does not like to do. I have another friend who’s supposed to do this little weekly public speaking to give a weekly metrics update, and he really, really doesn’t like public speaking.
Gretchen
And so this to him feels really, really irksome and full of dread, whereas to somebody else, it’s just not that stressful or bothersome, but for some reason they just find it very difficult. And so if that’s the case, it might be a good idea to say, you know, maybe I’ll take this task myself, because for whatever reason, this other person just has a very disproportionate dislike to it.
Gretchen
And, you know, I just really don’t care.
Elizabeth
Well, Gretch, this reminds me of a task I absolutely can’t stand, which is giving our dogs any sort of wet food. I just find it revolting. I absolutely hate it. The smell just. It’s like, to me, the worst smell in the world. And very nicely, I will say Adam always does that. So I always give them the dry food.
Elizabeth
And if there’s any wet food, he always does it. And I must say, I very much appreciate that because I cannot take that wet food well.
Gretchen
And for me, it’s plane tickets. I, for my whole life have just absolutely detested making plane tickets because there’s you have to pick the time and it seems like whatever time you pick, you’ll wish you’d picked a different time. And so I find it very, very stressful. I mean, I had our mom buy my plane ticket, so I was like 27 years old.
Gretchen
But now whenever we’re taking a family trip, Jamie just makes the plane reservations. It just doesn’t bother him. He doesn’t stress about it the way I do. And so it’s, you know, it’s a nuisance, but he doesn’t find it deeply painful the way that I do.
Elizabeth
Something that Adam really doesn’t like to do. Gretchen I think actually a lot of people don’t like to do this is choose gifts. He finds it incredibly stressful to buy everyone Christmas gifts, for instance. So I have very much just taken that on because I actually enjoy usually getting gifts. So I just take that on and I even get gifts for myself.
Elizabeth
Now he does sometimes just get me something also, but if not, I’ll get gifts for myself and I have no problem with it. We just have that routine. After 15 years of marriage, it works well.
Gretchen
And this is how it worked with Eliza and Eleanor. So, Eliza, one of the things she’s thinking about that she might do is she might apply to business school, but that’s the kind of thing that it can feel really stressful because you’re like, do I want to go? Should I go? Is it the right thing? And I prepared.
Gretchen
It just brings up every kind of anxiety and insecurity. And Eleanor is like, Well, I’ll just look it up for you. It’s not stressful for her. It’s just looking up some facts. So she made this a little word document for Eliza that had all of the relevant information, and it wasn’t that much, but it was just presented to Eliza.
Gretchen
Like, hear all your questions answered because she knew that for Eliza, it represented a whole stressful thing that made it very hard to navigate, whereas for Eleanor, it had no emotional weight at all, except that she was happy that she could do something a little thing that would make Eliza’s life easier. So again, it’s like for whatever reason, it’s more irksome for one person than another.
Gretchen
So it just makes sense that maybe you would do it.
Elizabeth
Yeah. And then there are also tasks that some people really enjoy, and if they really enjoy them, let them do those tasks. Like Gretchen. I know Jamie loves to go to the grocery store.
Gretchen
Yeah, I know. Jamie loves any excuse to go to the grocery store, and I mean, he’ll go if he can get an excuse. He’ll go two, three times in a day, especially if we’re in Kansas City around holidays. Because Kansas City, it’s this big grocery stores with so many options, it’s so much more pleasant than in New York City.
Gretchen
So the thing is, it can be really helpful to tell people for whatever reason, I really just don’t like doing this or for whatever reason, I really especially love doing this. And so where it’s possible, we can adjust tasks so that people are doing the things that they’re better and more happily suited to, whereas other people are doing things that they feel less passionate about.
Gretchen
I know an example where I had a friend. She was a morning person, married to a night person, and she was saying, Oh my gosh, my, my husband, he can barely get out of bed in the morning to help me with the kids. I really resent it. I end up doing all the work. You just can’t get anything done.
Gretchen
He’s just can hardly open his eyes. So what they decided this she would do the morning because it was easier for her and he would do bedtime because that was easier for him. So they distributed the tasks to suit each other better and that was just much more harmonious.
Elizabeth
And the key to this, of course, Gretchen, is to keep it somewhat fair, though. I mean, you don’t want to take on every single task someone doesn’t like and they don’t take on any task for you also to try to just get the spirit of generosity, right? Yeah, harness that.
Gretchen
And the reason why this adds to our happiness is if you’re taking something off someone’s plate that really bothers them, you know, that’s a good deed. It’s kind of like, you know, when you give to some good cause and they they’re like, Oh, we’re doing a match. So if you give this amount of money, it’s actually like you’re giving double.
Gretchen
So you’re giving something that’s more valuable to the recipient, but it’s not such a stretch for you. And then you hope that then they’ll be willing to think about swapping tasks in a way that suits you better as well. Yes. So let us know if you do try this at home and how taking over a dislike task works for you.
Gretchen
And what did you take over? What does somebody take over for you? Let us know on Instagram, Threads, Tik-tok, Twitter, Facebook or drop us an email at podcast@gretchenrubin.com. Or as always, you can go to the show notes. This is hapiercast.com/442 for everything related to this episode.
Elizabeth
Coming up, we’ve got a travel related happiness hack. But first this break.
[Music]
Gretchen
Okay, now this is a happiness hack and I think many people are talking about this hack, but it’s worth repeating because it’s very important if you are going to be traveling.
Elizabeth
Yes, check your passports.
Gretchen
There are wide reports of delays in getting your passport updated. In many places that you fly. It has to be good for a certain number of months before it expires. So you think about your destination, really look at your passport. I personally have done the thing where I checked the morning of the flight and realized that Eleanor’s passport was going to expire and that we would not be allowed to board.
Gretchen
And believe me, that was not a fun conversation to have with my family. I’ve had other people tell me that they looked and they realized that it had expired. It is really not something that you want to experience. So take a second. Check your dates and what you might check your your driver’s license date to the years pass faster than we think.
Gretchen
And if you realize it in time, it can make your life a lot easier.
Elizabeth
Okay, Gretchen, it is time for this week’s happiness stumbling block.
Gretchen
Okay? This is a stumbling block that is surprisingly easy to trip over. And it’s very good, I think, to have somebody bring it to your attention so you can watch out. So have you had the experience where there’s some kind of special occasion or there’s some big event and you think, I really want to give it my all?
Gretchen
I want to take it to the next level. And so I’m going to try something new. I’m going to do something for the first time just to really go the extra mile for this. And then it does not go well. That is the stumbling block. And the solution to the stumbling block is do not do something for the first time when the stakes are high.
Elizabeth
Yes. So there are some classic examples of that. Gretchen, for instance, getting new shoes for an important event and wearing them for the first time at that event.
Gretchen
Yeah, we’ve all done it. Another one. I had a friend who never got facials and on the day before her wedding she was like, Oh, I want to look beautiful for my wedding. I’ll get a facial. And she didn’t realize until it was too late that often facials make you look worse before they make you look better because you get so blotchy.
Gretchen
And so, you know, when when there’s some kind of new procedure like that, you don’t know how you react. So that day or the day before is not the best time.
Elizabeth
Yeah, there’s a classic Sex and the City episode where Samantha did that, Gretchen. Oh, and then another example is a new hairstyle, like a bride who decides to get her hair done a completely different way for the first time on her wedding day. In fact, I think that’s why people now do practice hairstyles for their weddings, because that happens so many times.
Gretchen
Well Elizabeth, you and I were recently together and we did a cold plunge, which was really interesting. But the fact is it made both of us feel very languid and heavy. I thought it would be very energizing. And so I could imagine, I don’t know how easy it would be to do a cold plunge before you were going to do a big presentation.
Gretchen
It might be logistically difficult, but I can imagine the impulse thinking, Oh, I’ve never done one, but this is perfect. I’ll do it for the first time. I’ll be like super energized for my big moment and not realizing actually maybe a cold plunge isn’t going to hit you that way, because for both of us, we were both surprised how it made us feel.
Gretchen
It wasn’t that it made us feel bad, but it did not make us feel the way we expected it to make us feel.
Elizabeth
And then, Gretch, this I don’t think would apply to either of us because we don’t cook. But I do think you don’t want to necessarily cook something new when you’re entertaining. I mean, unless you’re a great cook and you’re used to always cooking new things, but if you’re not such a confident cook, you probably want to make something you’re familiar with.
Gretchen
So the bottom line is this that it’s very easy to have the urge to give ourselves a special boost or do some kind of upgrade when there’s something important that we’re going to be going through. But don’t do those things for the first time, especially right before, especially if you really care about how something goes.
Elizabeth
Okay, Gretchen, we have a listener question which is also from a Gretchen. She says, I have a friend who is always having gatherings at her house. I have a busy life and I go to some of these, but what really stops me sometimes is that she wants everyone to bring something for each of these. Sometimes all I can really fit into my schedule is going, I don’t have time to make a dish, so I’m usually bringing something like pimento cheese and crackers or a charcuterie.
Elizabeth
Others make actual dishes, but I guess I need to be okay with that. What bothers me about this is that she is the one deciding to have a party, but the rest of us really need to do the work. I don’t have a lot of people in my house for this very reason. I would love to hear any thoughts on this.
Elizabeth
There really are times when I back out of going because I don’t have the time to get or make something to bring. I was raised to always bring something, but sometimes that’s a bottle of wine or a small hostess gift.
Gretchen
Yeah, I mean, this sounds like this is sort of the way it works for this host. And that’s kind of the terms. And it either works for you as a guest, in which case you come with something or you don’t.
Elizabeth
Yeah. And Gretchen, maybe this Gretchen doesn’t realize how much work it is to actually be the host because she said they do all the work, but getting her house ready, having the dishes out and cleaning up and is a lot of work. And I’m sure she is providing some food, but also, I think in this case, it’s just make it easy and just say, oh, I don’t have time to make something, but I’ll bring a bottle of wine and most people are fine with that.
Elizabeth
Yeah.
Gretchen
I think part of it is maybe in her own mind she feels like she’s not playing the proper role if she doesn’t prepare something nice at home. But if it’s completely acceptable for her to bring something like cheese and crackers, it’s just like, okay, well, that’s what I’m going to bring to listen. That’s what I bring. I would never hand make something to bring to somebody.
Gretchen
And it’s for that person. If they’re inviting you, they want you to be there and whatever you’re doing is working fine for them.
Elizabeth
Yeah. And you know, Gretch, recently we talked about having a default option where there’s something you always do, you know, unless something changes. And this is a perfect example of have that thing that you bring figure out what is easy for you to pick up, like right next to your house or next to where you work and just know you always bring that and then it’s much more comfortable.
Gretchen
But then just last point to pick up what you were saying before, to be the convener, to say like, let’s all get together. That’s a lot of work right there, to be the person to like, set the date, reach out, herd the cats, and if you’re providing everything, it can be very expensive. And so this is a person who’s like, I would like to have the fun of bringing a bunch of people together.
Gretchen
This is the way that works for me. And it sounds like, yeah, find a way to come in a way that works for you so that you feel like you’re contributing and you’re also enjoying a time with other people.
Elizabeth
Yeah, and I will just comment personally on this. Gretchen All of my friends know I don’t cook, so nobody is ever expecting me to bring like the amazing artichoke dip. They know that I’m not bringing that and it’s okay. And so they say, liz, you bring the mix fruit.
Gretchen
When you’re very clear about that, it’s people. They’re just like, okay, that’s the friend I got. They are not bringing the this was just the recipe in the New York Times last week. Let’s all give it a try. That is not who we are.
Elizabeth
Oh, okay. Good luck, Gretchen, With your going to parties, we want you to see your friends.
Gretchen
Yes, Yes.
Elizabeth
Coming up, I have a social media related demerit. But first this break.
[Music]
Gretchen
Okay. It’s time for demerits and gold stars. And this week, Elizabeth, it is your turn to talk to demerits.
Elizabeth
Yes. So this is probably the opposite of what many might expect from a social media demerit, which is probably that they’re spending too much time on social media. My demerit is that all summer I feel like on Happier in Hollywood. I have been touting that everybody should be doing social media, they should be posting, they should get on threads.
Elizabeth
They need to think about their creative entrepreneurship. Part of that is being on social media. And I have not been practicing what I preach. I have not been posting very much. I had set a goal for myself to get much more involved on social media, and I have not done it at all.
Gretchen
Well, just giving yourself this demerit make you want to recommit.
Elizabeth
It does. I mean, that’s that’s the hope. Yes. So you heard it here first.
Gretchen
All right. All right. We will be your accountability partners.
Elizabeth
Gretchen, what is your gold star?
Gretchen
Well, I just want to say thank you to all the listeners and readers who have been writing to me about their adventures in the Five Senses. Life in Five Senses came out several months ago. So now the book is out in the world, and it is such a delight to me to hear what people are doing, how they’re using exercises that I talk about in the book in their own way.
Gretchen
People are recommending experiences for me to try that. I am like books to read, YouTube videos to watch, podcast episodes. I feel like the world is my research assistant and it is just because I have this insatiable curiosity for how people can tap into their five senses and how they can make it their own. The neglected sense, like everybody now is taking a neglected scents quiz and hearing their response to that is just fascinating.
Gretchen
So I just want to give a gold star to everybody. I find it endlessly fascinating and I’m always really excited when I see that somebody is sending me along some insight or observation or resource.
Elizabeth
Yeah, it’s really been fun to read about everybody’s five senses experiences.
Gretchen
And speaking of the five senses. The resource for this week is if you’ve recently read Life in Five Senses or what any of my other books. Thank you. And if you want to personalize your own copy or if you’re going to give one of my books as a gift and you’d like to make it a little more special, just request a signed bookplate.
Gretchen
If you’re going to happiercast.com/bookplate, you can request it. It will have a place where you can write the name of the person. And this is an actual physical thing I will mail to you, so I need to have your mailing address. You can enter it there. And unfortunately this is for U.S. and Canada only because of mailing costs.
Gretchen
But I get a big kick out of doing those. And Elizabeth, what are we reading? What are you reading?
Elizabeth
I am reading The Guest List by Lucy Foley.
Gretchen
And I am just about to start This is Happiness by Niall Williams. And that’s it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Take over the task that someone else Idiosyncratically really dislikes. Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you. And what was the task.
Elizabeth
Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed, and everyone at Cadence 13. Get in touch. Gretchen’s on Instagram at Gretchen Rubin and I’m at Liz Craft. Our email address is podcast@gretchenrubin.com
Gretchen
And if you like this show, please tell a friend, email or text them this episode because that is how people discover our show.
Elizabeth
Until next week. I’m Elizabeth Craft.
Gretchen
And I’m Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward. So Elizabeth, we’re recording in Kansas City, we’re having all this problem with delays and it’s really taking me back. I’m feeling so flooded with nostalgia for the early days of our podcasting where we had delay problems all the time.
Elizabeth
Oh my gosh, I know. Luckily, I can hear you talk in the other room, so I know when you’re talking, so I am not constantly going. Hello. Hello. So that has helped.
Gretchen
Thank you, technology.
[Music]
From the Onward Project.