Update
People loved the “Clear the Decks” exercise in episode 443, so we’re doing it again: send your suggestions for “Deck the Halls.”
If you want the original “Clear the Decks” list, in bingo-card style, it’s here.
If you want to request signed bookplates, you can request them here.
Try This at Home
Take The Gift-Giving Quiz!
The quiz divides people into four categories: Easy-to-Please, Tried-and-True, Enthusiast, and Connoisseur.
It’s so satisfying to present the perfect gift to someone we love, and it’s so frustrating to have no idea of what to give, or to give an unsuccessful gift. In the past, I’ve asked myself questions such as:
- If I splurge, will this recipient even care?
- If they requested something specific, is it okay to make a reasonable substitute?
- Is is lazy to give them the same item year after year, even if they ask for it?
- Should I try to be imaginative, or will they just end up re-gifting some item they don’t want?
Answer the quiz questions with a particular recipient in mind to identify the kinds of gifts that person would find most appealing.
Happiness Hack
Always look behind you when you leave a restaurant, a car, an airplane seat, etc.
Deep Dive into Listeners’ Answers
In episode 451, we shared a listener’s question: “For those who have lost a loved one, what advice do they have? How do I spend this time wisely and prevent regrets when he is gone?”
People had many terrific, helpful suggestions, based on their own experiences.
Readers suggested these resources:
- Understanding Your Grief by Alan D. Wolfelt (Amazon, Bookshop)
- CaringBridge
- Ring Theory
- Skylight Frame
- StoryWorth
- “What’s Your Neglected Sense?” quiz
- Help Texts
- The Death Deck
- Get Your Sh*t Together
- Being Mortal by Atul Gawande (Amazon, Bookshop)
- Finding the Words by Colin Campbell (Amazon, Bookshop)
Demerits & Gold Stars
Elizabeth’s Demerit: The same as Gretchen’s demerit from last week: she didn’t take enough photos during the Happier in Hollywood retreat.
Gretchen’s Gold Star: I give a gold star to doctors and scientists—I got my covid and flu vaccinations in one day.
Resource
Take my new, free quiz, The Gift-Giving Quiz!
What We’re Reading
[music]
Gretchen
Hello and welcome to Happier! A podcast where we talk about ways to become happier. This week we’ll talk about an easy way to find the perfect gift for someone, and we’ll do a deep dive into the very helpful answers we received to a listener’s question about how to handle her father’s final days. I’m Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, the five senses, human nature.
Gretchen
I’m in a little cobbled together makeshift studio that I have made in a hotel room in San Francisco. And joining me today from L.A. and the Pacific Time Zone. It’s nice to be in the same time zone,Elizabeth, is my sister, Elizabeth Craft, my sister, the retreat host. Elizabeth, how was it?
Elizabeth
That’s me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in L.A. And Gretchen, the retreat was fantastic. We had so much fun. And now Sarah and I are busy, busy coming up with all sorts of different retreats we might do. We had such a great time that we loved it so much. We just want to dive into retreats.
Gretchen
A whole new adventure.
Elizabeth
Yes, I love the community.
Gretchen
A few updates before we start in. We got so many positive comments about the clear the decks, that oddball episode that we did in four, four, three, where it was a bunch of very brief things to do, to clear off things off your to do list. And many people asked us to do it again. And so we are doing a deck the halls, clear the decks so it will be holiday related.
Gretchen
We will do that in an upcoming episode of More Happier. Somebody pointed out Deck the Halls has Deck so it’s clear the decks and deck the hall. But Kayla pointed out that even if you don’t celebrate Christmas and deck the halls, it’s deck-ember if you mispronounce December. So there’s a deck in there. Either way. And of course the first cleared the decks episode is something you could do at any time and you could do it many, many times.
Gretchen
So you might want to go back and do that if it caught your fancy the first time. That was episode four four three. Any time you want to clear the decks to gear up or get ready for a change or challenge.
Elizabeth
I’m excited for that episode.
Gretchen
Yeah, if you want the original clear the decks list in written form, you can get that at gretchenrubin.com/resources.
Elizabeth
And also, Gretchen, I want to remind everybody that for Diabetes Awareness Month we are going to do an episode all about type one diabetes. Yeah. So if you have any questions about it, send them in and we will answer them also.
Gretchen
This is sort of odd, but if you’ve requested book plates and they haven’t arrived, my neighborhood has been experiencing mail theft, which I didn’t really know was a thing, but it is a thing. They have caught a ring of mail thieves. But if your book plates haven’t arrived, that perhaps is why. So again, if you want to request again or if you want to request them for the first time, of course, feel free to request as many as you like.
Gretchen
Go to happiercast.com/bookplate. This is for U.S. and Canada only, and I am very sorry if your bookplate has gone missing. Hopefully this problem has been solved. Elizabeth this week our tried this at home tip is to take my new gift giving quiz. I’m so excited to unveil this.
Elizabeth
So what is it? Gretchen? I know you love a quiz. I love taking your quizzes. What is the gift giving quiz?
Gretchen
Yeah, well, when I was writing Life in Five Senses, it kind of reminded me of better than before. Because when I was thinking so much about habits, I started to pick up differences and how people approached the idea of habits, what worked for them, what they liked, what they were drawn to, what they didn’t like. And over time I figured out the four tendencies, how that was a framework that divided how people thought about things.
Gretchen
And same thing when I was writing Life in Five Senses, and I could pick up that there were these distinctions in people’s attitudes. It’s very hard to find something if you don’t know what you’re looking for. And so I probably talk to you about this on and off. For years it was like, is it discernment? Is it high standards?
Gretchen
I was sort of groping my way through it and then in the end, what it turned out was that it had nothing to do really with the five senses, except indirectly in that a lot of times, you know, gifts satisfy our senses. It had to do with how people felt about basically getting gifts, the kind of gifts they like to receive.
Gretchen
And so once I had that epiphany, then it very quickly fell into place.
Elizabeth
MM So what kinds of questions?
Gretchen
What I realized is that when it comes to happiness, it is so satisfying to find that perfect gift. Elizabeth, You know this. You love to give the perfect gift. We all know how gratifying that is. But then it is also frustrating when you don’t have any ideas about what to give. Yes. Or you give an unsuccessful gift or you’re really excited about a gift that then you can tell that the recipient really isn’t that enthusiastic about it.
Gretchen
Even if they say they are. And then there are all kinds of questions like, Well, what if I splurge? Will the recipient even care? Like, is it worth splurging? Or like, what if they requested something specific and I can’t find it? Can I make a reasonable substitute? Or really, is the person going to not want it? Do you give the same item year after year, or is that just laziness?
Gretchen
Should you try to be imaginative or is this just going to end up in the re-gifting or donating pile if you try to think outside the box? So this quiz makes all of those things clear.
Elizabeth
Hmm. I cannot wait to take the quiz. What are the types Gretch? Because I know you usually have types.
Gretchen
Yes. Okay. So this is an interesting quiz because, you know, usually when you take a quiz, you answer it for yourself. But here you’re answering with the recipient in mind. So you’re thinking, oh, what am I going to get my father for Christmas so that you think it asks you questions about patterns that you’ve detected in their behavior in the past?
Gretchen
You know, because what we often do is we give the kinds of gifts we like to receive, which is very well intentioned, but often isn’t a good match because the person might be different.
Elizabeth
That’s how I got to the ped egg, Gretch.
Gretchen
That you had one for.
Elizabeth
Myself. Yeah.
Gretchen
Yes. The most famous gift giving episode in the Happier podcast history. So the categories are Easy to Please, Tried and True, Enthusiast, and Connoisseur. And so you take the quiz with the person in mind and at the end you get the result and you get a kind of gift appreciation profile to explain the kinds of things that tend to work.
Gretchen
And then there’s some guidance and some specific ideas. And then you also just throw in for fun. You get a free downloadable gift planning worksheet where you can note people’s names and ideas as you think of them as you’re starting to gather your ideas for gift giving for the holidays.
Elizabeth
Nice. That is awesome. I cannot wait for this.
Gretchen
Yeah. So it’s at gretchenrubin.com/quiz. It’s free, it’s short, it’s fun. Tell me what you think. I’m so excited to hear what people make of this. It was really hard to do it. It was very hard. And then it was very easy. Once the central insight then it all fell into place very quickly. So I’m excited to hear what people think.
Elizabeth
Well, it’s perfect timing because I am just about to start earnestly shopping for the holidays.
Gretchen
Well, Elizabeth, you are so good about that. You are so good about starting in advance. You always inspire me.
Elizabeth
Well, I’ve been caught too many times lately.
Gretchen
We’ve all done it.
Elizabeth
Be there again. All right, Gretch, coming up, we have a repeat Happiness Hack because it’s just that important of a hack. But first, this break.
[music]
Okay, Gretch, we’re back with a Happiness Hack. And this is one that we’ve done before.
Gretchen
Yes. And I wanted to repeat this hack because a friend of mine just relearned this lesson the hard way because she left her phone in a taxi. And the hack is always look behind you when you leave. If you get up from your seat in a restaurant, if you’re leaving a car, if you’re walking out of a friend’s house, you’re leaving the office, whatever you’re doing, have it be a habit that you just glance behind you.
Gretchen
And I cannot say how many times I’ve done this. And I was so grateful that I remembered. And the times when I forgot, when I regretted it. And I thought I wouldn’t have had to go back for that sweater that I left if I had just glanced behind me and seen that it was hanging on the back of my chair.
Gretchen
So we don’t need to belabor it. Just try to be in that habit and do it consistently and you will not regret it.
Elizabeth
Yes. Now bears repeating. Yes.
Gretchen
And now for a deep dive into listeners answers.
Elizabeth
In episode 451, we shared a listener’s question for suggestions about dealing with the fact that her father had been diagnosed with cancer, that is not treatable. She asks, For those who have lost a loved one, what advice do they have? How do I spend this time wisely and prevent regrets when he is gone? And Gretchen, people had so many great suggestions, largely based on their own experience.
Elizabeth
Also a lot of resources to suggest.
Gretchen
Yes. So this is very practical and very thoughtful. Rebecca said when my beloved grandfather, as well as my uncle, were dying in the same year, I asked them for a book they loved. My grandfather gave me his copy of Leaves of Grass while my uncle gave me a stack of books on spirituality that made a big impression on him.
Gretchen
They both died shortly after. There were both readers who marked their books, and seeing what they underlined or wrote in the margins was a wonderful way to connect with them for years. However, I wish I had asked them this earlier so I could have had the books and discuss them while they were alive.
Elizabeth
Also from Rebecca, she says. Two years ago, my little brother died of brain cancer. He was 53. Consider an anti-anxiety medication. My doctor prescribed Zoloft and that helped. Your dad has shared that he wants to be treated, quote, normally, and I would absolutely respect those wishes. He may not want heartfelt conversations and that is okay. Simply being available will speak volumes.
Elizabeth
Perhaps you can still help make sure he sees family members, friends and colleagues that he especially enjoys. No one needs to know about his health status. After my brother died, I attended a grief class based on the book Understanding Your Grief by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.. I found myself wishing I had read the book before the loss. If there comes a time when your father does want to share his condition.
Elizabeth
Consider Caring Bridge. That was an invaluable tool for our family.
Gretchen
Caring Bridge is a site that allows you to post personal health journals to keep friends and family updated easily. So if you feel like you’re inundated with people’s loving questions, this is a way that everybody can stay in the loop in a very efficient way so that people feel like they know what’s going on. But nobody has to spend a lot of time answering their questions.
Gretchen
Yes, And that said, I lost my dad. He too was not too talkative and didn’t want people fussing over him. I also lived 1.5 hours away, was working and had kids at home. Between visits. I called him on a fairly regular schedule, generally midweek and Sunday mornings. As I thought of them, I kept a list of cherished or funny family memories and as often as possible, worked it into a conversation to communicate how special those times were.
Gretchen
Sometimes he was tired and I let it be. Sometimes I framed it as a question as though I didn’t remember and he would expand on it. I also wrote him a long letter expressing how I felt because I knew doing it verbally would make him uncomfortable. This I gave to him when he had about 2 to 3 months expected time left.
Gretchen
I found it in his bedside drawer after he passed. Evidently read multiple times.
Elizabeth
Oh, that’s nice. Lindsay says, A resource that was shared with me when we first learned of my mom’s diagnosis was called the Ring Theory, and I found it super helpful. More or less. It means that the person most affected by an experience is at the center of the map. They can do, say, feel anything they please because they’re well, the most impacted.
Elizabeth
Those closest to them form the next ring of support. And they can do say, feel or dump anything they please onto those further away from the support center. But they must be careful to not dump in to those closer to the center than they are. This model of care comfort in dump out allows for each person to give and get support from the appropriate resources.
Elizabeth
I’ve heard of this, Gretchen, and I think it’s a it’s a really good model.
Gretchen
You’re very helpful. Julie wrote I lost my mom in January, although I fully agree that being present with your loved one is important. I also ask myself what would my future self want? Inspired by a Gretchen Know yourself better question. Birthdays are big in our family and I felt overwhelmed thinking about her not being there to celebrate with in the future.
Gretchen
I recorded her singing Happy Birthday on a voice note on my phone and that makes the first birthday I will have without her in a few weeks feel less daunting. I think this also includes thinking about anything you don’t want to leave unsaid to your loved ones. I created connection rituals to have as many touch points during the day as I could when I was away FaceTiming every day, sending snail mail, setting up a digital picture frame where I could send pictures straight to the frame so she could feel like she was part of my life.
Gretchen
Despite the distance. Skylight is great for this though a bit pricey. It’s a good gift to split among other loved ones who may want to also send instant photos. My mum had severe cognitive deficits that came on quickly and I wish I could have asked questions about childhood and so many things. I use story worth a service that sends prompts and records questions and then compiles them for my dad a long time ago, but never did one for my mum and so wish I had.
Gretchen
I cannot stress this enough. Get Wills, estates, financial planning in order if they aren’t already. I wish we had involved hospice sooner. They can help with so many things. More therapy dogs. My mum loved animals and having therapy dogs visit was a huge highlight for her.
Elizabeth
I just want to stress Story Worth and Skylight are great, Gretchen. I use both of those.
Gretchen
Yeah.
Elizabeth
Kelly said if there is something special that you and your father shared, remember that. Bring it up with him or just hold it close. My father and I love the ocean. When I miss him, I go there, sit and feel near him.
Gretchen
Kimberly said My advice is to assume you have less time than you think. Don’t be shy about what you love and have appreciated about them while they can still hear it. I did not expect our last lucid visit to be the last lucid visit because he was still telling bad dad jokes up to the end and I wish I had showered him with more praise.
Elizabeth
Ashley said take pictures with him and then him and the kids. I realized too late I was only taking pictures of him and the kids. So there’s almost nothing with him and me for years.
Gretchen
Speaking of photographs, Alex said, I’m a photographer and naturally a very visual person. But I discovered through What’s Your Neglected Sense quiz that my neglected sense is hearing. After losing my two grandfathers, I have loved going through photos of them, but I miss their voices so much. What I would give for quick little videos of my grandfathers. .
Gretchen
Now, whenever I’m with my grandmothers, I take short videos and make voice recordings on my Voice Memos app.
Elizabeth
Hmm. That’s good idea. Hmm. Kathryn said, after losing my mother, I feel that the most important thing is for her to capture her father’s stories. His ancestors? Where is his family from? What does he remember about his grandparents and aunts and uncles? His life? What are the key memories of his childhood? What are the proudest moments of his life?
Elizabeth
His life with you? What does he remember about your birth? What are his favorite memories of your time together? His possessions? Are there special items to him? What is the story behind them? My mother loved her jewelry and we went through each piece and recorded when and where she got it, why she chose it, and when she wore it.
Elizabeth
Write it all down. I thought I would remember everything my mom told me about. But the emotion of the time makes the memories hazy. Hmm.
Gretchen
Good point. Sara said, number one suggestion. Honor his wishes. He doesn’t want anyone to know. Don’t tell people.
Elizabeth
Shelby said. I’m a grief coach and author, and I recommend several tools to clients. Help Texts is a super affordable service. Less than $100 a year. That text practical expert advice from hospice nurses, therapists, mindfulness practitioners and end of life experts. A couple of times a week. Texts are customized based on your unique situation. So Jenn could opt to receive texts about caring for her father with cancer, and she lives far away. The Death Deck and the End of Life Deck are clever, even fun card games that ask mindful questions about end of life.
Elizabeth
Such as What would I do with my social media pages? Do I want a party or a memorial when I die? If I could send a message from the beyond, how would my family and friends know it’s me? You can play one or two cards at a time to spark discussion or take turns having everyone answer a different card.
Elizabeth
This can help you feel closer to your loved one and also get a sense of what a good death would mean for them. For estate planning and documents, the website Get Your Sh** Together is super helpful. It contains guidance plus free downloadable cheat sheets for handling the logistics of a loved one’s death.
Gretchen
Heather wrote I lost my dad and I wish before he got sick I had had a chance to read Atul Gawande, his wonderful book, Being Mortal, which explores many of the big questions about end of life decisions. Drawing on his experience as a doctor and his own personal experience of losing his father, the book is practical and memorable and in its graceful handling of the material comforting.
Gretchen
One other thought. Try to find levity together. When my father was in the hospital, I was in serious mode, telling him how much I loved him. Thinking back over his life and how much his love had shaped me. But when my mom would visit, she would joke around with him, commenting on how he had rock star hair, i.e. messy from the medical equipment.
Gretchen
And I would see him light up when he laughed with her.
Elizabeth
Hmm. Gretch,I also just wanted to mention an amazing book by a friend of mine, Colin Campbell. Yes. He wrote a book called Finding the Words: Working through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose. His two children, Ruby and Hart, were killed in a drunk driving accident, and he has written an incredible book that will help anybody dealing with grief.
Elizabeth
Yeah.
Gretchen
Well, this is so helpful. These are so practical. We will provide links to all the resources that were mentioned. So if you didn’t quite catch it, don’t worry. You can just look in the shownotes. Episode 454 And just going to happiercast.com/454. And I really think it’s great that listeners did have so many practical suggestions that really did come from deep, deep experience because this is one of the best examples of how we can all learn from each other, because sometimes one person’s suggestion can really lighten the load at a difficult time.
Gretchen
And so thank you everyone who took the time to write in to help other people benefit from your own sorrow and difficult experiences.
Elizabeth
Yes. Thank you to everyone. Amazing suggestions. And coming up, I have a happiness demerit. But first, this break.
[music]
Gretchen
Okay, Well, is it? It’s time for demerits and gold stars. And this is an even numbered episode, which means it’s your turn to talk about a demerit.
Elizabeth
Yes. So, Gretchen, this might sound familiar to anybody who listened to last week’s episode, because my demerit this week is the exact same as your demerit from last week, which is that I didn’t take enough photos. I, Sarah and I, as we mentioned at the top of the podcast, had our amazing writer’s retreat in Ojai at the Johnny Cash ranch last weekend.
Elizabeth
Yes. And we walked in the house and it was so incredible and fun. The decor was amazing. I said to Sarah, just so you know, I’m taking a ton of pictures and taking videos. Prepare yourself. Yeah. And then I proceeded to take like, two pictures because, as we discussed, I was so in the moment. Yeah, I didn’t want to stop and take photos.
Elizabeth
I didn’t want to stop conversation. I was having too much fun. Luckily, we did have someone there who’s a director, and I think directors naturally take a lot of pictures. So she has shared a document with me that has a bunch of pictures, but it’s just one of those things. I wish I had a ton of pictures.
Gretchen
Well, I have a couple thoughts. One is it’s nice that somebody else is taking pictures because then you’re in them because one of the things that happens if you do take a lot of photographs is you’re not in them. And it is fun to be in at least some of the pictures. But here’s what occurs to me, because you’re right, you get drawn into it and you forget about it, even though you then regret it.
Gretchen
So maybe one thing to do is to sort of announce to the group or even just yourself to say, I am the photographer, I am the one who is assuming that role. So then it’s that utter accountability and just sort of saying to yourself, reminding yourself of that identity. I remember that when we had that double birthday party for our father and my father in law.
Gretchen
I said to everyone, I’m the photographer. I’m going to be taking pictures and so cooperative. I want to take your picture. And then everybody knew they would say to me, like, Oh, did you get a picture of this? Did you get a picture of that? It was a pain, but it really kept me on track. And so that was that.
Gretchen
But that was a lot of responsibility. So I could even imagine, say, with you and Sarah, you could say, today I’m the photographer, tomorrow you’re the.
Elizabeth
Photographer that would be a good idea.
Gretchen
And then it’s not so burdensome. But then you even feel more responsibility because you want to do your part and then you’re in some of the photographs. And so maybe it’s just now that we both have given this demerit, we should think about how we could set ourselves up for success.
Elizabeth
Yes. Good idea. Yeah. Okay. Gretchen, what is your gold star?
Gretchen
I give a gold star to doctors and scientists because I got my double vax in one day. One arm for the flu. One arm for COVID. Got it all done. Felt great. So happy to have that behind me. And then, Jamie, I will say that in years past him, he has been somewhat inconsistent with his flu shot because he like, oh, I never get sick and then he will get sick and then he grouses, But this year he got it, too.
Gretchen
Just yesterday he got it. So I want to say thank you to all the doctors and scientists who have made this available. I feel so fortunate whenever I get to avail myself of that science.
Elizabeth
Yeah. And Gretchen, inspired by you? I went and got my double vax. I went for the one arm. I got both of them in the right arm because.
Gretchen
Oh, interesting.
Elizabeth
And I feel so good about myself.
Gretchen
They didn’t even give me that option.
Elizabeth
Oh, interesting.
Gretchen
Yeah, who knows? The resource for this week. Take the Gift Guide quiz. I’m so eager to hear what people think of it. If it unlocks some gift realizations for you, let me know. I’m really excited to put it out into the world. And that is justgretchenrubin.com/quiz like all the quizzes. Elizabeth, what are we reading?
Gretchen
What are you reading?
Elizabeth
I am reading Easy Money by Ben McKenzie and Jacob Silverman.
Gretchen
And I am reading Chain Gang All Stars by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah. And that’s it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home. Take the new Gift Giving quiz. Let us know if you tried it, if it works for you. What you learned about your gift recipient.
Elizabeth
Thanks to our executive producer Chuck Reed and everyone at Cadence 13. Get in touch. Gretchen’s on Instagram and Tik Tok and Threads at Gretchen Rubin and I’m on Threads and Instagram at Liz Craft. Our email address is podcast@gretchenrubin.com.
Gretchen
And if you’re wondering what gift we would appreciate getting it is the gift of your follow, rating, reviewing, or recommending us to a friend. You know how much we appreciate that.
Elizabeth
Until next week I’m Elizabeth Craft.
Gretchen
And I’m Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward.
Elizabeth
Gretchen, I’m dying to know, did your friend get her phone back from the taxi?
Gretchen
She did, and faster than you would think. So it all ended up being okay. But it was a panicky time, as you can imagine. And I do not think that she will be doing that again soon. But Elizabeth, you know, we wear the bandolier. So you’ve got your phone around your neck. So.
Elizabeth
Absolutely. But I’ve been there with Adam in San Francisco. As a matter of fact, he left his phone in an Uber, and that was an odyssey to get it back. But we did.
Gretchen
Yeah. Yeah, but there’s the sweater, there’s the sunglasses.
Elizabeth
There’s so many, like AirPods.
Gretchen
Yes, so many lost items.
[music]
From the Onward Project.