Years ago, during the Q-and-A period at a book event for my book Happier at Home, a woman raised an issue that had many people nodding in agreement: “My eighty-year-old mother lives with me, and she’s a very negative person. She’s always complaining. I try to be positive and helpful, but nothing I say helps. I suggest all sorts of things to help cheer her up: ‘Why don’t you take a class?’ ‘Why don’t you go for a walk?’ ‘Why don’t you call your old neighbors?’ But she just say no, no, no. What should I do?”

Well, it turns out there’s a term for this kind of person: a “help-rejecting complainer.”

According to a paper called “Complaining” by Robin Kowalski and Janet Erickson, in the fascinating (if uninvitingly titled) volume, Aversive Interpersonal Behaviors, a “help-rejecting complainer” is someone who complains as a way to seek help and support, but then rejects any help that’s offered. Whenever anyone tries to make a constructive suggestion—“Why don’t you try…?” or “Could you…?”—the help-rejecter insists that the advice is useless. In fact, help-rejecting complainers sometimes seem proud to be beyond help.

People often find help-rejecters annoying because first, the help-rejecter wants constant attention and two, it’s very frustrating when attempts at help are constantly refused.

If you’re facing a help-rejecting complainer, it can be useful just to realize this category of behavior. If you’re dealing with a help-rejecter, don’t expect to make any headway by dreaming up creative new suggestions to help. Don’t wear yourself out!

A better way to engage with a help-rejecting complainer is to mirror their feelings, by saying, “That sounds frustrating” or “I can understand why you’re upset” and then ask what the complainer intends to do. That way, the complainer is put in the position of coming up with a possible solution. If no solution is possible, just acknowledge the complaint and move on.

If you feel overwhelmed by their complaints, you can say something like, “I wish I had more time to get into this with you, but I really need to get back to [whatever].”

Of course, we should try to help a person who needs help. But sometimes our efforts to help will just drain and distress us, without benefit to anyone else, because that person isn’t going to accept any help.

And of course, for all of us, there are times when we want to vent, but we don’t really want to hear any advice about what to do. I’ve heard that it can be useful to ask, “Do you need to be helped, heard, or hugged?” so you know how to respond appropriately. Or if you’re the one wanting to vent, it can be helpful to tell someone what response you’re looking for.

When we’re dealing with other people, it can be very helpful to reflect on the question, “What does this person really want from me? What can I give? And what do I, in my turn, want from this moment of engagement?”

The more insight we have, the better our relationships can become.