Ask Us Anything!
We asked listeners to “ask us anything,” and we ended up getting so many questions that we’re going to split our discussion into two episodes.
In this episode, we tackle questions related to…
- Our family relationships, including our dogs
- Memories of North Platte, Nebraska
- Happiness
- Habits
- Four Tendencies (take the quiz here and read The Four Tendencies book)
- Life in Five Senses book
- and more
Resource
Yesterday was Halfway Day, a great catalyst to take stock in our progress on our aims for 2024. As you reflect, the “Habits for Happiness” quiz can be a valuable tool for identifying the new habit that will provide the biggest boost to your happiness.
What We’re Reading
*This transcript is unedited*
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Gretchen
Hello and welcome to happier, a podcast where we talk about ideas and strategies for making our lives happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative. This week is an Ask Us Anything episode. It’s been a while since we did an Ask Us Anything episode it. This was so much fun!
Gretchen
I am Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, the five senses, and human nature. I’m in my little home office in New York City, and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister Elizabeth Craft and Elizabeth. I love answering these questions with you.
Elizabeth
Yes, that’s me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in L.A. and yes, there are some answers I’m interested to hear from you. Gretch some questions where I don’t know what your answer will be.
Gretchen
I like lies. But first, one quick update.
Elizabeth
Yes, Leah said. Gretchen brought up a pop up book club for Iris Murdoch’s novels in a recent more happier episode. There is something so compelling about a limited course of study or reading. Sometimes limited reading lists produce limitless ideas and conversations. If possible. I, and hopefully other listeners would love to participate in this pop up book club in whatever capacity.
Elizabeth
And she says well wishes from a big fan and fellow book lover. And congrats on a thousand episodes.
Gretchen
That’s so fun. I know exactly what she’s talking about. Like, it’s like the limited TV series where it’s like, yes, eight episodes. There’s something you can really complete it, and there’s something very satisfying about it. And I know I like the idea of just like a one author book club meeting, so I don’t know if we can do that together, but was fun for me to hear that other people thought that that sounded like a good idea, because yeah, it really does sound fun.
Elizabeth
Yeah, something to ponder, something to ponder.
Gretchen
And now ask us anything. Let us dive in. Now we ended up getting so many questions that we are going to split this discussion into two episodes. So the first is loosely questions related to family relationships and happiness habits and the four tendencies.
Elizabeth
And then in an upcoming episode, we’ll answer questions about the podcast writing and our personal lives. So let’s dive into questions. regarding our family relationships.
Gretchen
Okay, this comes from Monica. What has been your favorite age or ages of your children? I am a mother of a three year old and a three month old. There are hard parts and absolutely incredible parts of both these ages, and I am loving watching these two little people grow up. So do you two are farther along in your parenting journey?
Gretchen
I’m curious. What age did you love the most with your kids? Well, first I would say the days are long, but the years are short. So true. But I also think the happiest time is now, right? Don’t you always feel that way?
Elizabeth
Yes. I was going to say the same thing I like now. I mean, part of that is because I think I actively am not a lover of having a toddler. I think that is just so hard.
Gretchen
Yeah.
Elizabeth
At the time, I probably would have said, oh, now, because I’m starting to talk, right? Yes, I love now because I just love talking to Jack. Yes. You know, the older he gets, the more I like talking to him. So I would.
Gretchen
Say he turned you on to hip hop. Like that’s something that comes. Yeah. I think it’s every time I remember when I had a kindergartner, I was like, oh, those beastly high schoolers, like. You know, then you have a high schooler and you’re like, oh, they’re so wonderful. So yes, I feel like whatever time is now.
Elizabeth
Here’s what I will say, because she has young kids physically, it gets a lot easier to be a parent. Yeah, once they pass, like age five. Yes. Karen says, give us in. Eliza, Eleanor and Jack. Update.
Gretchen
Okay. Eliza lives downtown. She is starting a graduate program in the fall, so she’s very excited about that. She’s really doing great. Eleanor took a gap year, and so she will be a freshman in college in the fall. So yes, I have my open door. It’s getting ready to open. That is what is happening.
Elizabeth
Yes. And Jack is going into ninth grade, which is bananas. Hard to believe that he’s actually going to be the high schooler. He is very tall, taller than I am. And growing. And yeah, he’s doing great. Like I said, I love talking to him. It’s great.
Gretchen
Elaine says, do your husbands ever do anything together? Not really. We’ve talked about going on some kind of golf trip because they both enjoy golf, but we’ve never pulled that off, have we, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth
Not yet. They spend time together when we’re in Kansas City and everybody enjoys each other. But yeah, you know, it’s not as if we do live on the other side of the coast.
Gretchen
There have been a couple times where the three of you came to New York City, and we all hung out, but yeah, it’s like we all hang out. It’s not like they’re going on a fishing trip together or something like that, but everybody gets along great. Yeah. Theresa says, why did Gretchen space her children six years apart? Well, part of it was that I was already inclined to have a bigger gap because, Elizabeth, you and I have a big gap.
Gretchen
We have a five year gap. I’m older by five years, and that’s been great for us. So I think I was just naturally that way. But then it turned out that Jamie was because Jamie had hepatitis C, which has been miraculously cured. Well, I shouldn’t say, miraculously, it wasn’t a miracle. It was science. Science cured hepatitis C that he got when he was eight years old, but before a cure was discovered, he was part of some trials, kind of around the time that I probably would have thought about getting pregnant.
Gretchen
He was part of a trial where it wasn’t advisable to do it because of the treatment that this experimental treatment that he was doing. So it was a little bit longer than, than we would naturally have done, but we were already thinking it was going to be like 4 or 5 years. So that was our thinking.
Elizabeth
Yes. And they’re very close.
Gretchen
So they’re very close, just like we’re close. They’re very close to, Meredith said.
Elizabeth
Having children changes everything. How did your sister relationship evolve when Gretchen’s first daughter joined the dynamic?
Gretchen
That’s such an interesting question.
Elizabeth
It is.
Gretchen
Can I tell the story, Elisabeth, of how you were there when Eliza was born?
Elizabeth
Yes.
Gretchen
Okay, so, yeah, this was a big sisterly adventure. So why were you and were you in town visiting Mindy? Why were you when you were?
Elizabeth
I don’t remember why, but I was seeing friends. I was with friends.
Gretchen
Yes, yes. And so I had a condition when I was pregnant with Eliza, where I was put on bed rest and they said, sort of like we’re going to monitor her growth. And at a certain point we will decide that she’s her growth will be better out than in like a baby does better growing naturally. But then at a certain point, her growth was going to be true restricted.
Gretchen
And so they were monitoring me very closely. And the day came when they were like, okay, it’s Friday, you’re having this baby 7 a.m. on Monday morning. And so, okay, that was scary. And they also said, we really recommend that fathers, if they can get a good night’s sleep the night before because this day can be really stressful.
Gretchen
There’s a lot going on. So if you can get a good night’s sleep, that would be good. And listen, you were just in town. Yeah. You were visiting friends and so you came over and spent the night with me in the hospital. And it was so reassuring to have you there.
Elizabeth
I love that night. That was such a great memory. I loved being there. Of course I wish I could have stayed for the whole thing, but eventually Jamie did come in the.
Gretchen
Way you came in.
Elizabeth
The morning to go first. Yeah, but I love that. You know, it’s funny because I feel like our relationship changed more with the birth of this podcast than with the birth of kids.
Gretchen
Oh, interesting. Yeah, because we’re, like, in constant communication and have to work together. Yeah. I don’t remember that it changed that much about our sisterly relationship after Eliza was born.
Elizabeth
Yeah, but I love we love having the nieces.
Gretchen
And the nephew. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, that is super fun. Robert said. What did you experience in your childhood visits to Nebraska that you rarely experience in adulthood? What were the sights, sounds, tastes and textures of childhood visits there? Oh, this is such a happy question to think about.
Elizabeth
Oh my gosh, Gretch.
Gretchen
So I can, I can I guess what your first thought will be?
Elizabeth
Yes.
Gretchen
Kings. Yes yes. Yeah. Because there was this restaurant Kings that we loved. It had little telephones that you could call in your order from your table. We thought this was like the height of cool.
Elizabeth
Well and deep fried grilled cheese sandwiches. What can I get? I mean, anything about kings? I can’t get any more? No. And then the thing that I miss the most, which we can never experience again from our childhood visits, is our grandparents houses. Yes, because the kitchens of each house.
Gretchen
Yes. Where we slept, the rooms where we slept.
Elizabeth
Yes. The rock garden on the back of Grandma and Grandpa’s house was so specific with its feel, the way it looked.
Gretchen
And the sweet peas that grew in our other grandmother’s backyard. Our grandparents lived five minutes apart from each other. We would ride our bikes back and forth between them because both of our parents grew up in North Platte, Nebraska, so our grandparents lived very close to each other just in the flatness of it. And it’s funny because our parents, it is a landscape that many people do not appreciate, which is the beauty of a very flat landscape.
Gretchen
And I think I really learned to love that, that kind of giant sky. Yeah. We would go out to the outskirts. We lived. I mean, my grandparents lived fairly near the outskirts of town, and there was that big park, Cody Park, remember, with a peacock.
Elizabeth
Yes. Also, there is a great place called Fort Cody, which was a souvenir shop. My goodness, that has the most specific smell. It has this wood floor that crafts when you walk past various specific types of things.
Gretchen
Such as touristy. If it was the most touristy thing. And ever since then I have had such affection for any kind of extremely touristy shop, I cannot resist the keychains. The gag gifts. Yes, the strange objects. You know the shot glasses?
Elizabeth
Yes.
Gretchen
Yeah, and it was always so hot. Bright, bright burning sun when we went there. Oh yeah.
Elizabeth
Yes. And my first experience with an indoor pool was in North Platte. There was a big community indoor pool where I would go swim. Oh, it.
Gretchen
Was so cutting edge.
Elizabeth
And I mean, the chlorine, you know, my eyes would be red for days.
Gretchen
Oh, but also they had a they had a library that they had a massive collection of Oz books because, you know, there’s the L Frank Baum Oz books. But then there were all these other people who sort of contributed to it. It was like a massive, ongoing thing that a lot of people don’t realize how big the Oz universe is.
Gretchen
And that was the only place where I could really find a major collection of Oz books in that library. Remember? That was always exciting every year.
Elizabeth
Yes, one last Gretch before we move on is Grandma Crafts fudge.
Gretchen
Oh, yeah, on those balls. Those chocolate balls she made. Yeah, yeah, we had a lot of delicious food in our childhood. C.J. Asked Gretchen, you mentioned that you might write about the empty nest stage of life. Are you going to do that? If so, please hurry. I am a seventh grader, and I’m already thinking about how my life will change when he goes to college.
Gretchen
Elizabeth, do you think about this? I wonder if it’s different for people with one child. Yes, I am going to do this. I am very excited. My open door starts in the fall. I have found out the date which is August 22nd and I am going to write about this research is me search and I am going to tackle this for myself and hopefully everyone will find it interesting.
Gretchen
I’m already thinking about categories and book versus tree and all these kinds of things. And Elizabeth, how about you? Are you thinking about this?
Elizabeth
I don’t think about it obviously, as much as you do. Gretchen, because it’s still four years away. But I do think about it kind of abstractly. I think maybe Adam and I will get a puppy when Jack goes to college. I picture a lot of us walking the dogs together. also, it has occurred to Sarah and me once her daughter’s gone as well, that we may go on some writing team adventures, like work in another country, things like that.
Elizabeth
So I do think about it. And of course we think, how could we possibly survive without Jack? But I know we will. That is our role as parents is to raise him so that he can leave home. So well. I wouldn’t say I’m worried about it yet, but I find it interesting to think about.
Gretchen
So you’re mindful of it. Mindful the key thing which is just trained for a tough transition. Just be thinking about it and what the future can hold.
Elizabeth
But yeah, yeah, we have a lot of time.
Gretchen
You have a lot of.
Elizabeth
Time, Stacey said. Were the two of you is close when growing up, what advice do you have for sisters to remain close through their lives? Well, we get this question a lot, Gretchen.
Gretchen
We do.
Elizabeth
I think we were always close, but in a different way because we do have a five and a half year gap. So we were really a totally different stages of life. Yeah, but you were always interested in me, like you would do a word of the week that you would put on the refrigerator door for me to learn.
Elizabeth
You would help me, like bake cookies, things like that. And then I think, well, what advice do you have for sisters to remain close? I mean, talking a lot is probably the best thing, I think.
Gretchen
And back to your point about the podcast. I think that’s why it’s helped to bring us closer, is we just have to talk all the time. But yeah, talking, texting. I mean, one thing we’ve said a lot is that our parents would pay for us to visit each other when we were old enough to travel. So when Elizabeth was in college and I was in law school, if she wanted to take the train to see me, our parents would pay for the train ticket.
Gretchen
And we went on a big European trip together when I was in college, and Elizabeth was in high school, and I think Elizabeth, that was one of the ways that they just fostered us. Being close is they made it easy for us to see each other.
Elizabeth
Yes, but it’s definitely a very nice thing in our lives. It is.
Gretchen
It is. It’s like Elaine says. Has Barnaby met Daisy and Nacho? If so, how did that go?
Elizabeth
Not.
Gretchen
Yeah. No. They live very far apart from each other.
Elizabeth
Maybe they could FaceTime.
Gretchen
They have a lot in common. They are not well-trained. I would say they. They do have that a common. Yes.
Elizabeth
Although I would say Barnaby is a lot easier than Daisy and Nacho in terms of his jumping and barking.
Gretchen
But he’s, you know, almost nine years old. True. We can’t take credit for that. That’s just the dog we’ve got. Yeah. And also cockapoo don’t bark that much. Or at least Barnaby has never barked that much. And corgis obviously are known for their barking. It’s part of their it’s one of the things they were prized for was.
Elizabeth
Yes, yes. As herders, their bark needed to get up to cows needed a sound. Yes yes yes. And and work.
Gretchen
They are exceptional with their peers. Yes, yes.
Elizabeth
And then the second shot on Instagram says, what would you say is the other sister’s worst habit? Oh my.
Gretchen
Elizabeth, if I had to pick one for you and I think, I think this is what you might say is your worst habit is night snacking.
Elizabeth
Oh yeah, that is definitely true. I struggle with that. I don’t know, I feel like you’re the habit queen, Gretchen. I feel like you barely even twist your hair anymore. I think if you would say your worst habit. Although I don’t know if it’s a habit or more of a quality of that, you have trouble sometimes going with the flow.
Gretchen
Yeah, that’s my rigidity. Yeah, for.
Elizabeth
Sure. And that can be annoying for you and for those around you, although it doesn’t really impact me very much.
Gretchen
But if we lived together, it was right. Anna says. What’s the story of the biggest fight you’ve gotten into? We don’t fight them much, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth
I don’t remember any fight we’ve ever gotten into.
Gretchen
I will tell you, the time when I was most exasperated with you was we were traveling together and we were doing that thing. You know, this is a long time ago, so we didn’t know where we were. We would just take a train from one European city to the next, show up, and have to figure out where to stay for the night.
Gretchen
It was always extremely stressful and in foreign languages and all this, and I remember one time we get like, we we were someplace in Italy and it’s like, okay, now we got to figure out where are we going to spend the night. We got to get oriented. How are we going to get from here to there? And you take a look around, you go like, oh, wait, you’re with the bags while you figure out what to do next.
Gretchen
And I was hopping mad.
Elizabeth
Yeah. Speaking of bad habits, I do have a habit of leaning on you to figure things out, and I have to admit, I do the same thing with Sarah. it is a tendency I have to let the person with me who I find to be very competent, just handle things.
Gretchen
Well, I think that is a compliment. Somewhat controlling is that then others are sort of like, okay, control away. Yeah. We’re here with the basket.
Elizabeth
Yes. Exactly.
Gretchen
Yeah. I don’t I don’t remember us having a like a big fight. Yeah.
Elizabeth
Maggie said, as an English teacher and lover of writing, I love how you both have careers. It’s center around writing. I was wondering, did your parents do things that helped to foster this love of writing? As a mom and as a teacher, I’d like to instill love of writing and wondered what your parents may have done. Or if you have suggestions.
Elizabeth
Gretchen, I have to say we went to a high school that had phenomenal English teachers and English classes.
Gretchen
And history too.
Elizabeth
Yes, but like I, I really credit the high school English teachers. I don’t know about you.
Gretchen
Yeah. No, I think that’s really true. Growing up, though, we did not see ourselves as people who would grow up to be writers. I mean, no one was more surprised than we were, I think. Right? I mean, we loved we loved reading and we loved writing, but we didn’t see ourselves as becoming professional writers. And neither did our parents.
Elizabeth
So, yeah. And, you know, we just always like to read. I mean, I think it’s hard to make someone like to read if they don’t like to read. Nobody made us like to read. We all just naturally enjoyed it. And like our family vacations many times were just like going to a beach and then sitting on the beach and reading for like six hours.
Elizabeth
Yes, going back to the, you know, place we were staying. I mean, that’s what we all just like to do.
Gretchen
Yeah. And our parents too. And I think that’s the thing is we saw examples of them talking about books, loving books, reading books, talking about authors. We all like different kinds of books. But yeah, we very much shared that love of reading. And then Joe asks, I’m starting a newsletter myself, and I was interested to hear Gretchen talk about the satisfactions of a new identity.
Gretchen
If I may ask, how many subscribers does she have to her newsletters, and how many do you need to make it worth the effort? Well, I have 1.2 million subscribers to the newsletter and that’s the five things making me happy. Newsletter. Please subscribe. Gretchen rubin.com/newsletter. yes, it’s I have so much fun doing that newsletter. So yeah, and I went through a big cleanup of my newsletters.
Gretchen
And so now it’s a weekly newsletter. Five things making me happy. Then once a month it’s five things to try, which is more like hacks and tips. Then one is five things I publish. So it’s sort of the highlights of things I’ve published. So those so those are the newsletters. But the question of how many do you need to make it worth the effort?
Gretchen
I think that only you can answer that question, but I will say you will always start from zero. Right? And I really do think it’s a very useful thing to do. I think it’s a fun thing to do. I think it’s a creative thing to do. I think it’s a very helpful thing to do. So I’m a big fan of doing it.
Gretchen
Alyssa, I know. Where are you and Sarah now with your newsletter you’ve been wanting to do a Happier in Hollywood newsletter?
Elizabeth
Yes, and I feel like we’ve done like 90% of what we need to do to start, and we just need to do that last 10%.
Gretchen
Well, and then because that’s the part where you’re like, okay, now we’re doing this. Yes. Yeah. Now we’re committing to it. Yes.
Elizabeth
but you say, you know, the best time to started a newsletter is, you know, 20 years ago. And the second best time is now.
Gretchen
Yes, yes. So I would say, Joe, I think it’s very much worth it. And sometimes it’s discouraging because you start from zero. Yeah. Just remember you always start from zero.
Elizabeth
Right. Coming up we’re going to answer questions about happiness habits and the four tendencies. But first this break.
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Elizabeth
Okay, Gretch, we are back with more listener questions. This comes from Colleen, who says, what is the difference between happiness and joy? And how do you see it come up in your everyday?
Gretchen
Well, Colleen, I was trained as a lawyer and I have many memories of spending an entire semester arguing about the definition of contract and if anything, happiness is a more elusive concept. There’s something like 15 or 17 academic definitions of happiness. And so I say define it as you want happiness, joy, peace, well-being, satisfaction, contentment. So I just use the very vague but all embracing concept of happiness.
Gretchen
And so I don’t distinguish it. I think some people like to get into the, the like the differences, but I sort of think like, well, how can you be happier? How can I be happier? However I define it and that’s what I think about. So I have never I don’t really, don’t ponder those distinctions though. Others do.
Gretchen
Betsy says, does your family ever tease you about your mood since you know so much about how to be happy, you know they do not. Nobody in my lives ever throws it up in my face like, hey, miss happiness. What? Why are you so crabby? They all just understand that I have my moods just like anybody else. So I appreciate that gold star in my family for not teasing me in that way.
Elizabeth
Yes, they might tease you, but not about being happy.
Gretchen
Not in that way, no. Yeah.
Elizabeth
Julius, I would love to know if either of you have or have had therapy slash psychology input and what your views are on its role in a happier life. Well, I think I’ve said many times on the podcast, Gretchen, I have done therapy a few times in my life. I think it’s incredibly valuable. And in fact, I’m planning on my 24 for 24 list is to get back into therapy as Jack enters high school.
Elizabeth
I think it’s a good time for me to do therapy and sort of examine just myself as a parent and how I want to be with him. So I, we’ll be talking more about that in the future.
Gretchen
And I have never done therapy myself, but I think it’s incredibly valuable. I have seen it, you know, be super helpful for people. So I think it’s has a has a very big role to play and a happier life. Bridget said your approach to happiness is very disciplined. Do you ever feel constrained or like you need more freedom?
Gretchen
Well, Bridget, maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s all upholders, but I do not experience discipline as being constraining. I mean, the motto of upholders is discipline is my freedom. And I really feel that. I feel like discipline gives me freedom. Discipline? I don’t know how to say it other than that. And I think a lot of people just sort of can’t understand that.
Gretchen
I think it’s one of these examples of like, people really have different perspectives. Yes.
Elizabeth
It’s like if you know, you know. Right? Yes. Yeah. Oh, they drop holders understand.
Gretchen
Yeah. And so it doesn’t feel burdensome or constricting because it’s what I, it’s the way I want to be. So I experience that as freedom. So interesting question.
Elizabeth
Genevieve said is there such a thing as upholder rebellion or some equivalent? Definitely feel most at home with that tendency, but wonder if I should be accomplishing more on a daily basis?
Gretchen
Well, I have noticed that upholders who tip to obliger because, you know, some upholders tipped a questioner, which is what I do, and then some upholders tip to obliger that they do sometimes show a kind of obliger rebellion. But remember, is an upholder. Always bring it back to your inner expectations for yourself. And I think that’s what keeps it from being a true rebellion.
Gretchen
As you see from an obliger. Because usually upholders can say, okay, wait a minute, this is too much. I need to address this, but I think it’s a good thing to be aware of, because I have talked to upholders who feel like they kind of come up against that limit.
Elizabeth
And Marcy says, do you think you would have landed on the same names for the four tendencies? If you belong to one of the others, what would a rebel or questioner have come up with as tendency names? Now, isn’t that an interesting question?
Gretchen
Well, I will say this I labored for I mean, maybe years coming up with the names of them. I mean, it was so, so hard. So I would love to know what somebody else would come up with because I really struggled. And it’s funny, like with rebel, some people are like, but rebel is such a terrible name, but other people say to me like, but of course everybody wants to be a rebel, right?
Gretchen
So again, it’s like, you know, is it bad? Is it good? I mean, I remember the day when I thought of the term obliging, that it’s obliging. It has this association of like coming from the outside. What? So anyway, I would love to know what other people came up with. At the time. I asked for suggestions and nobody came in my vanity.
Gretchen
I would say nobody came up with anything that was better than what I had. But again, I am coming from an upholder so could be. It was really, really hard to do.
Elizabeth
However, yes, I would love to hear what other people think good tendency names would be. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. All right, Gretch, coming up, we have more questions. But first, this break.
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Elizabeth
Okay Gretch. We are back. Stacy says. Do you have plans to do an episode on the four tendencies for young adult slash teens?
Gretchen
That’s a great idea. Thank you Stacy. We don’t have a plan to do that, but that would be super fun. You know, I keep on and off. I’ve been talking about having a quiz for children. It’s hard to do a quiz like that because the difference between, like, a five year old and a 15 year old is so large, but doing an episode on it is a great idea.
Gretchen
So I am going to make a note of that in the planning.
Elizabeth
Doc. Yes, you know, I’ve never had Jack take the for tendency, so I think.
Gretchen
There you go.
Elizabeth
Is the time.
Gretchen
Oh, I would be fascinated. I have a suspicion, but I want to know what the quiz says.
Elizabeth
All right.
Gretchen
Rebecca says why don’t questioners like to be questioned? Why does my obliger spouse not oblige me? How can you get a rebel to do the dishes? Okay, that is a long conversation. Read the Four Tendencies book and all will be revealed. But here’s the quick, quick answers. Why don’t questioners like to be questioned? I don’t know, it’s ironic.
Gretchen
Yes it is. I married to a questioner who doesn’t like to answer questions they like to teach, but they do not like to answer questions. It is just a pattern. They feel like they’ve done the research. They know what they think the right answer is. They don’t feel like answering questions. So that’s why. Why does my obliger spouse not oblige me?
Gretchen
Well, that’s a very sweet answer. It’s for a very romantic reason. It’s because your obliger is saying, oh, sweetheart, you’re so close to me. You are like me, so I will ignore you just the way I will ignore me. And that’s why I always say with accountability partners, a sweetheart usually is not a good accountability partner because they’re too inner.
Gretchen
They count as inner and outer and obligers need outer accountability. So that’s why an obliger spouse does not oblige. they don’t feel like they have. That’s not an outer expectation. And then how do you get the rebel to do the dishes? Okay, here’s a couple lightning round style answers. Again, this is the longest chapter in the book.
Gretchen
The first is identity. If you appeal to identity, you’re a considerate partner. You’re a fair person. You’re someone who does your share. You’re somebody who keeps your word. Okay, so that’s identity. One is information consequences choice. If you don’t do the dishes, neither will I. And so their dishes just won’t be done. That’s a consequence. But then you have to stick to it.
Gretchen
Because if you rescue or dive in at the last minute and fix it, then it won’t work. You have to allow consequences to fall. And then also sometimes this works with rebels. Not always, but sometimes is. You can ask a rebel to do something out of love for you, not because they have to do it, not because they’re supposed to do it, not even because they said they would do it.
Gretchen
They are choosing to do it out of love for you. And you just say, like, for whatever reason, this is just something that makes me bonkers or like whatever, whatever the reason it is that it matters to you and just say, can you choose to do it out of love for me? And remember it’s a choice that they make.
Gretchen
They’re choosing to do it out of love for you, and that works with some rebels. So those are some quick answers.
Elizabeth
Okay. Go ahead. Sarah says I have been fascinated by the Four Tendencies framework and how it can help us understand ourselves and others better. I’m a therapist, working with children and young people, and often wonder what the links between early attachment relationships and the tendencies may be. I just wonder if, as sisters, you think that the tendency of siblings can impact the formation of tendencies?
Elizabeth
Mutual obviously have a great relationship. Do you think this is more possible because of your upholder obliger combination rather than upholder rebel, for example? I wonder if you have a sense of how your own early relationships may have shaped your tendencies. I’m sure there’s a research project here waiting to happen. Well, I think you think the tendencies are you’re born with your tendencies.
Gretchen
Yes, yes. Now, I’m a big believer in the genetic roots of personality, and I do think that this is something you bring into the world. So I don’t think that there’s interplay in terms of our tendency. You’re an obliger, and that is the tendency that gets along the most easily with the other three tendencies. Sarah mentions upholder rebel.
Gretchen
That does tend to be hard to manage because, like rebels love spontaneity. And as we were saying, upholders can be rigid and so they just have a different approach. So that might be hard. Or the fact that I’m in a polder and you’re an obliger of that. That’s kind of a congenial pairing. So I think it could affect us in that way.
Gretchen
But I don’t think it affects why we are what we are.
Elizabeth
I wonder how two rebels would be two rebel siblings. You could see that them getting along great or not well at all. Yes. I love to hear from two rebel siblings.
Gretchen
Yes, right. That would be fascinating, Tracy says. As a fellow hard core upholder, I am always surprised that you accomplish about 50% of your list each year, with 20 for 2024. For 24, etc. I always feel like if it’s on my list, it needs to be done well. Tracy, I think very carefully when I make my list, I say I do not need to do all these things.
Gretchen
I am not expecting that for myself because I want to challenge myself to do things that maybe I can’t do. I find as an upholder I can be too conservative because I worry that if I can’t finish something, I don’t want to start it. And I think that makes me too cautious. And so part of what I try to do with the 24 for 24 list is to say, well, I can succeed by failing, you know, like maybe I won’t have as many days of policy that I plan on, or maybe I won’t have my perfume party for my friends, but I still want to put it on the list because I want to aim
Gretchen
for it.
Elizabeth
The list is also just something that’s fun to have. Yeah, as an aspiration or just, you know, a daydream. Sometimes we’re not going to do everything and that’s okay and that’s okay. Finally, Jay said, what time of day would you have a taste party if you’re not serving a meal after dinner in lieu of dinner or morning? Afternoon?
Elizabeth
Those seem like odd times to ask people over.
Gretchen
Okay, so Jay is referring to the taste party that I describe in my book, Life in Five Senses. And this is super fun. I had friends come over and we like we tasted varieties of apples. We tasted the magic of Heinz ketchup. We did the thing where you have a jelly belly with your nose plugged and then with your nose unplugged.
Gretchen
We compared potato chips brands, talked about the candies that we ate when we were kids. Anyway, it was a very fun taste party and I agree, it’s kind of an odd thing to do. And what I learned at Flavor University is that if you’re tasting something, you want to be neither full nor hungry. So what I did is I told people to come over at 4:00 on a Sunday, and I said very specifically, try not to be full or hungry, and it will only last an hour and a half.
Gretchen
And so I thought, because people know it’s from 4 to 530, they knew that I wasn’t going to be there wasn’t going to be dinner there. And I thought I just wanted it to be a taste party. I didn’t want it to, like, turn into a dinner party, because, you know me is I would have found that way too stressful, down to two social occasions at once.
Gretchen
Yeah, but I have to say, it was just super fun. It was like a super fun short thing, and I had everything ready, and people did not seem to be that surprised or inconvenienced or something by this kind of quirky time to do something social. So I just made it clear what people were getting into, because I think sometimes people are they’re just like, well, I just want to know what this is.
Gretchen
Right? So I tried to set expectations very clearly so people knew this was just like a fun thing. It wasn’t in lieu of a meal.
Elizabeth
Yes. I think Sunday is a good day for that. You could see a 2 p.m. on Sunday. After lunch on Sunday would be a good time.
Gretchen
Exactly. Exactly where? It’s just sort of a fun little activity. The fun to do with kids, actually, I would think of that, that if you had like, let’s compare these five vanilla ice creams and rate them or something, I could I can see children getting into that. It’s fun. Well, there were so many interesting questions. Thank you listeners for sending in such a great range of topics.
Elizabeth
And we’re going to be back on a future episode in a few weeks with more questions about the podcast, about writing, about our personal lives. So stay tuned for part two and a few weeks.
Gretchen
Yeah. And if you have additional questions, slide them in right away. Let us know what you thought or what you want to know on Instagram threads TikTok, Facebook. You can drop us an email at. Podcaster Gretchen rubin.com. As always, you can go to the show notes. This is happier Cars.com slash 489 for everything related to this episode.
Elizabeth
Yeah and what’s the resource this week?
Gretchen
Okay, well yesterday was halfway day love halfway day. It is such a great catalyst to take stock. And while you’re thinking about what you want for the rest of the year, you might want to think about the habits for happiness quiz. It can really help you decide what is the new habit that you might aim for that will give you the biggest boost your happiness.
Gretchen
That’s what this quiz will tell you. If you’re going to do one thing, one new habit, what should that habit be? Because people are always asking me, what’s the one thing I should do? I’m like, it depends on you. So this quiz tells you this is a great time. Summer is a great time. Sometimes to tackle one of these things, you can find the habits for happiness quiz at happier Cars.com slash quiz.
Gretchen
And also if you want to take the Four Tendencies quiz, that’s also at Happier cars.com/quiz and Elizabeth, what are we reading? We were talking about our love for reading earlier and we still love to read. What are you reading?
Elizabeth
I am reading You Have a match by Emma Lord.
Gretchen
And I am reading Sweetwater by Roxana Robinson. And that’s it for this episode of happier. We hope you enjoyed this. Ask us anything.
Elizabeth
Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed and everyone at Audacy. Get in touch. Gretchen’s on Instagram threads, Facebook and TikTok at Gretchen Rubin and I’m on Instagram and threads at Liz Craft. Our email address is podcast. The Gretchen rubin.com.
Gretchen
And if you like the show, it would mean so much to us if you’d be willing to take 30s to do this. If you could follow or subscribe to happier, that really helps us with the show and it really helps you because then you’ll never miss an episode. To do that, just go to the Happier With Gretchen Rubin Show page on Apple or Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts, and just tap the plus sign in the upper right hand corner or click on follow.
Gretchen
That is a really helpful thing to do to the podcast, and while you’re there, if you’d be willing to give us a five star rating or review, share an episode with someone you love, we would be so grateful. And here’s your rhyme. If you liked the show, tell someone you know.
Elizabeth
Until next week, I’m Elizabeth Craft.
Gretchen
And I’m Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us. Onward and upward.
Elizabeth
Yeah, Gretch, I’m loving all of your rhymes. But now I feel like we have to have one every week for the rest of time.
Gretchen
Yeah, well, there going to be some repetitions. I think that, I don’t know, I, you know, I love the fluency heuristic. What can I say?
Gretchen
From the onward project.